Exactly how many scenes need to begin “dead bodies everywhere?” I would love to see the storyboards on this picture because I literally lost count on the number of introductory scenes beginning with said scenario. Usually in this film, the dead bodies are more-or-less evenly distributed, you know, here-a-corpse, there-a-corpse, everywhere-a-corpse-corpse. ( ♪Old McDonald had a crypt, e-i-e-oh-no!♫) However, at one key moment in section two of this master thesis, the bodies were piled vertically, like the giant mound of dung from which this screenplay was derived. Don’t look now, but I think the movie is trying to catch us off-guard.
Appropriately, Hellboy begins with ancient slaughter. Like white supremacy and measles, nothing this awful can emanate from one generation alone. In the sixth century, King Arthur (and the movie voiced over, I kid you not, “yes, that King Arthur”) had some issues with an all-powerful demoness, The Blood Queen (or Nimue, as I like to call her). Nimue (Milla Jovovich) fails in her attempt to destroy all humankind because the movie thwarted her with a season two “Buffy” plot; pretty sure powerful wizard Merlin bingewatched Hulu or whatever for some good ideas. Nimue is sliced, diced, and sent to the far corners of the world where she can be assembled later by some trolls with an Allen wrench and an Ikea manual.
Don’t worry, Nimue will be back, but first there’s plenty more unpleasantness to introduce. Welcome titular Hellboy (David Harbour), a large red demon with a spiked tail, a right fist the size of a small cannon, and huge goat horns he files off daily. The last version of Hellboy suggested he shaved down the horns just to feel “normal” and not so demon-y, but I think he does it just so he doesn’t have to duck for every doorway, y’know? Hellboy is a good guy. Despite his satanic appearance, Hellboy fights for just causes … I think.
Here’s the thing, if you hang out with Hellboy for any amount of time, you’re gonna die. It’s just gonna happen. I’d say “get used to it,” but if you’re not named “Rasputin,” how often can you truly get used to dying? Oh, and here’s the part that’s both unintentionally comical and really aggravating: everybody we meet has a tragic backstory, and this freaking film needed to flash us back to every.single.one. You know what, Hellboy? What do you say we just give the middle ages a pass, huh? I mean, what does it matter when this dude is just gonna be a listless jelly-covered sundae within the next two minutes of screentime, huh?
By the way, there’s a prophecy that Hellboy himself will bring about the end of the world. So he’s got that goin’ for him. What it means, in essence, is that Hellboy really can’t trust anybody, cuz the goody-goodys want to do him in as much as the bad guys. Hence, most every scene in this film ends up with gore one way or another. Hellboy can’t even rescue a fallen friend without friend turning into a winged vampiric wraith modeling a Mexican wrestler costume. If you ever find yourself caring about something going on in the film, you kind of have to ask yourself, “Why?”
Hellboy offered two of my least favorite death tropes: 1) I have no idea exactly how powerful Hellboy is. Is he indestructible? Is he a great fighter or are his opponents just morons? He takes out three giants in the middle of the film in a battle which had me shaking my head … you’re 17 times bigger; are you guys even trying? 2) We’re back to the fruit-rollup composition of human anatomy. You see this in zombie movies where human skin is easily chewed off. Hellboy is a celebration of biological structural failure. Huh, I just didn’t know people came apart that easy … and I sure didn’t need to see it a 27th time. Yes, the title is a huge failure, too, but that seems like nit-picking. Please apply it to Guillermo del Toro’s 2004 vision, which far more closely resembles a film than a bloodbath.
♪Down in the basement bodies strewn
Out jumps this weird big red loon
Grunting attacks with lots of noise
Bloody melees with our Hellboys
Oh, oh no
This movie blows
Oh oh no
This movie blows
Up to the aisles
Quick, quick, quick
Leaving before this
Makes me sick♫
Rated R, 120 Minutes
Director: Neil Marshall
Writer: Andrew Cosby
Genre: Life is cheap, oh, and some “history”
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Folks desperate for a Hellboy reboot
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The other 99.99999% of us
♪ Parody Inspired by “Up on the Rooftop”
