I waited forty-two years for this. Forty-two. 42. In the spring of 1977 from atop my parents’ deathwagon, I became mesmerized by the Star Wars universe of intricate models, monochromatic morality, and pre-furries. This world captured my attention with such fury that as an adult I was even willing to overlook the awful of Jar Jar Binks. However, much as I have tolerated, nay applauded, most of what the Star Wars world has produced since it stopped producing great films three decades ago, I wasn’t officially done until now.
To say I’m disappointed with the resolution to forty-two years of Star Wars silliness isn’t stating it quite correctly. Ever since ewoks first made an appearance in 1983, I realized this franchise no longer held my unquestioning admiration … but I never thought I wouldn’t care about the characters in a Star Wars film. Until now.
Part of my disgust with Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker lies in the way the film just makes up stuff for plot convenience. Go ahead, introduce new rules about Jedi powers forty years in … what could go wrong? The curiously disconnected conflict between last Jedi hopeful Rey (Daisy Ridley) and Vader-wannabe Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) is exacerbated by a new idea that force beings can suddenly transport matter between distinctive locations. It’s not just that thing we saw in Star Wars VIII where Luke could hologram himself somewhere else. These dudes are actually having a light saber battle in two different locations at the same time. No, that’s never been a Jedi/Sith thing before, but why would that matter, right?
Another serious problem with the film is the sudden dearth of reasonable protagonists. Having run low on heroes what with the deaths of Kylo Ren’s parents, Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) is asked to carry a fair amount of this film. And the rogue-pilot-turned-general Poe is to Han Solo as two scoops of mud on a dixie plate are to a banana split.
The plot of this film is a circuitous Goldbrergian scavenger hunt. The gang has to collect clue A, leading to location B, to press information out of reptile-man C, stored in bot D, etc. Somewhere around step Q, we finally get to the object – finding Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid). Palpatine, who should be dead, like a lot dead, has returned and conjured a whole new fleet of star destroying warships out of his ass. Why is Palpatine alive? Dunno. But this Sith-lovin’ festering sock puppet has a big reveal for us [SPOILER ALERT] which leads to one of the most uncomfortable questions I’ve ever been forced to ask: when/how/why did that collection of sentient scabs ever have sex?
The point isn’t the reveal. The point is the hunt, which is not unlike the Horcrux hunt at the end of the Harry Potter film octet. Well, except for the fact that the Horcrux hunt was better spelled out and had a genuine impact. All the hunting in Star Wars IX was about finding Palpatine, a guy who 1) isn’t hiding 2) rules the galaxy and 3) is destroying planets right and left. Gee, fellas, how hard are you looking?
I’m astounded by how flat the characterizations are in Star Wars IX. Why didn’t Finn (John Boyega) do more than hang around? For that matter, where did Rose Tico (Kelly Marie Tran) go? To compensate for characters having to do or say anything a fan might cling to, Act I of this screenplay was comprised entirely of cheese … and not good cheese, more like Velveeta singles. Perhaps you say that I’m taking things out of context; that the only truly way to enjoy 
Finn and Rey and Poe and Ren and Stimpy is to have seen them in two other films. I counter that the only way to enjoy Star Wars IX at all is to have seen the eight previous Star Wars films. And when I look around comparing this one to those, my only thought remains, “I was too hard on Phantom Menace.”
Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker is kinda like a cheap independence day fireworks show on the far side of a public park. You can practically read the minds of our Star Wars production overlords: “Hey, we gave you lights and colors and sounds and explosions and heroes and left you with the ending you wanted … that should be good enough, right?” Well, gosh, I’m sorry, I can see that you went to some trouble over this, but my threshold is a little higher. I need to care about the story or anything in it. Fireworks are a fine distraction of light and sound on an otherwise pleasant summer evening, yet a complete waste of time when it comes to describing what summer is. That is exactly how I felt about Star Wars IX. This franchise has successfully turned a kid who owned a small army of Star Wars figures into an adult who cares not if there’s ever another Star Wars film. Well done.
In lieu of a poem, I’m going to publish the top 10 lessons I’ve taken from Star Wars IX:
- Need a villain? Have you tried putting eyes on a saddle bag?
- In a pinch, anything can be a helmet
- It was better to write for Carrie Fisher when she was alive
- Jedis can do anything unless we pretend they cannot
- Bots should be seen and not heard
- Powerful people should never reproduce; look no further than Don, Jr.
Rated PG-13, 142 Minutes
Director: J.J. Abrams
Writer: Chris Terrio & J.J. Abrams
Genre: When will this Hell end?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who cannot admit to themselves that the films took a dive once the ewoks first appeared and has never, ever returned
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who can objectively judge this by the standards set by A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back
