Some films, like Deepwater Horizon, will describe a non-fictional issue and add in fictional specs. Other films, like Underwater, will hint at a non-fictional issue while creating world so fictional you might forget there was a point being made. I think Underwater wanted to talk about the dangers of drilling for oil in oceanic reserves, but by the time the film became Deepwater Aliens, most of that got lost.
Mechanical engineer Norah (Kristen Stewart) seems to have lost her shirt. As she brushes her teeth, we consider whether or not it’s bedtime. As Norah herself comments multiple times in the film, time doesn’t exist when you’re 6 miles Underwater. Just when we’re contemplating exactly what that means, excitement happens. An earthquake compromises the integrity of the station, and the action goes from “huh, like rain” to “WE’RE SCREWED!!” in just about three seconds.
As this is a horror film, Underwater makes sure to introduce a black guy (Mamoudou Athie), so that it can kill him off three scenes later. After sealing off the flooded section of the rig, Norah and Rodrigo (Athie) unearth the comic relief (T.J. Miller). T.J. Miller gets the “AND” in the opening credits which -make no mistake- is a harbinger of a bad film. When all the live bodies are collected, the human population of this seaworld is already down to six.
Ooooo, but it gets worse … Captain Vincent Cassel says they have to evacuate. Their only play is a two-mile seawalk to an otherwise abandoned station two miles away. And one other thing – remember when y’all drilled the Mariana Trench? Turns out that wasn’t the best idea. It woke up some sort of monstrous aggressive predatory life form. So hey, good luck with that.
Underwater had me for a while. Really. Horror in January has to come with a grain of salt; I wasn’t exactly overwhelmed by the biggest star being Kristen Stewart (have I ever enjoyed a KStew film? I’ll have to look it up) or the Alien-ripoff creatures. But Underwater first proved exciting and then proved thrilling. And then it gave up. It was sad. After such a wonderful start, Underwater provided some awful dialogue with very confusing action sequences. It took a bunch for this film to fail, but by gum, it made it!
“Underwater” is a crummy title. Films like this need to imply danger immediately: The Deep, 47 Meters Down, Jaws …those say, “danger.” Underwater?! Is this film about a bathtub? A rainy day? An unpaid mortgage? There was a decent film here undermined by the weight of the ocean. Shame.
From ocean floor, her chances seemed dim
And then I recalled a glittery “him”
Don’t be afraid
When KStew needs aid
The only question is, “Can vampires swim?”
Rated PG-13, 95 Minutes
Director: William Eubank
Writer: Brian Duffield and Adam Cozad
Genre: Did you catch the parable?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Horror fans desperately awaiting the next Aliens film
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Claustrophobes
