Somebody needs to teach Disney what horror means. [Hint: it’s not just putting Eddie Murphy on screen – although, to be fair, that’s an excellent guess] Zombies are undead people. They eat alive people. They represent our fear of chemical science. They don’t play nice. They don’t have families. They don’t aspire. They don’t “live.”
Disney is here to change all that.
Zed (Milo Manheim) is about to go to high school; he wants to play on the football team. He has parents and a sister. And they’re all Z-O-M-B-I-E-S. However, they’re Disney zombies, which means they aren’t bloody, partially decomposed post-humans. Instead, they’re healthy, active tvland commercial humans with green dye jobs, bad facial make-up, and fairly uninspired aspirations. And their rare problematic behavior can be controlled by a wrist band, because while they really are monsters deep down, nobody eats brains on the Disney channel.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the encampment wall, Addison (Meg Donnelly) is also beginning high school. She wants to be a cheerleader, because GOD FORBID anyone in America ever aspire to be something other than a football star or the prop that encourages football star glory. Integration won’t come easy in the high school; the zombies have been relegated to the basement where they’re taught by a janitor.
The isn’t the first time zombies have been used as a metaphor for racial tolerance instead of mad science, but it is the first time Disney took a whack at it, which means all the horror has been carefully removed from the pristine set and replaced with musical numbers about longing and frivolity. Well, gosh, why didn’t we think of that? We could have set the new version of High School Musical in Alabama in the 1960s – lose the violence, lose the lynchings, keep the Jim Crow laws, but make sure the audience realizes that tolerance 
is a good thing even though black people really are monsters (wink, wink).
Z-O-M-B-I-E-S, you’ve essentially done the impossible; you’ve shown me the value of High School Musical. At least that film didn’t pretend it was about anything bigger than song and romance. Oh yeah, did I mention? Zed and Addison are destined for one another, which sets up a watered down Disney version of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Well, maybe next film. FWIW, I did enjoy some of the dancing and the duet “Someday” in which the leads sing –because they sure can’t act— about how wonderful it is when society accepts your relationship. I like the song and the message – now if it were just not packaged in five layers of Disney revolution-resistant fiberglass.
I’m trying to imagine the conversations that this film is supposed to inspire and coming up with this:
Dad: So, hey, Sparky, did you like the movie? Did it remind you of anything?
Sparky: I think so…that zombie guy, Zed, he reminds me of this kid in my class that we pick on because he’s different
Dad: And what did you learn today?
Sparky: People who are different are barely controllable monsters, but we should be nice to them anyway because they help win football games
Dad: That’s right!
There’s also that telling moment at the denouement when all racial discrimination is solved by one integrated dance number. That’s right, white America, you don’t have to do jack shit to end racial injustice; you barely even have to pay attention. Just make sure that there’s a mild amount of integration for three to five minutes and all racial prejudice will magically disappear.
You see, I want to tell you: “Your heart is in the right place, Z-O-M-B-I-E-S” but it really isn’t; you’ve surreptitiously called disadvantaged minority groups “monsters” and you’ve solved hundreds of years of bigotry with a pep rally. That’s not how any of this works … nor how it should work.
While other channels go for bloody fighting
“Family friendly” is all Disney’s writing
But when Mickey Mouse welcomed zombies
Instead of Abercrombies
There’s little dif between green- and gas-lighting
Rated TV-G, 94 Minutes
Director: Paul Hoen
Writer: David Light & Joseph Raso
Genre: High School Abusical
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Teens who musicals more than thought
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “What genius came up with this?”
