There ought to be a permit system for remaking classics. Like anybody wishing to remake Casablanca ought to need approval after giving oral arguments to a panel of judges including film critics, historians, and the great grandchildren of Humphrey Bogart. I don’t know why people feel the need to remake a perfectly good thing that already exists; sometimes it is a huge mistake, like in the case of today’s film, Rebecca.
I don’t remember how the original began, but this version sought to delight us by being in color. Color being just about its only advantage, the film used it like we were running out of the stuff, dressing Armie Hammer in Colonel Mustard yellow for most of the picture. Because why wouldn’t you dress Armie Hammer in mustard yellow?
We start in Monte Carlo where girl-to-be-named-later (Lily James) is a maidservant to a traveling battle axe. With a stroke of luck, the battle axe has taken ill, which allows Colonel Mustard, er “Maxim de Winter” (Hammer) to entertain Ms. Nobody in the Lounge with a Cocktail. Long-story-that-I-do-wish-were-shorter, they get married and move to de Winter’s palace, Manderley.
Despite countless tales on the warmth and congeniality of posh English estates and their servants, get this, Manderley doesn’t take easily to the new Mrs. de Winter. The reason is the folks at Manderley still remember the last Mrs. de Winter, Rebecca, who died on the estate under mysterious circumstances that nobody wants to talk about, especially Mr. de Winter. Leading the hostility charge is head servant, Mrs. Danvers (Kristin Scott Thomas). Oh, and it looks like Mr. de Winter is a completely different guy on his home ground. At home, MDW is a dick, especially galling at the party scene in which 
the new Mrs. tries a crimson gown surprise. Here Colonel Mustard attacks Mrs. Scarlet in the Ball Room with an Icy Stare.
Since Cinderella, we’ve had the “pleasure” of seeing Lily James rise from insignificant ingénue to insignificant leading lady. She’s flat-out miscast here. The role calls for someone who is initially cowed, but starts playing a chess match with Mrs. Danvers; the only thing Lily ever conveys is that she’s in over her head … and that’s consistent throughout.
Rebecca had the unfortunate distinction of being both dull and confusing. If you didn’t know the tale, you’d find four or five questionable moves in the aftermath. If you do know the tale, you’ll know it can be told much better than this.
There once was a lady’s handmaid
Whose blissful fantasy was betrayed
In a mansion by the sea
And a quaint mystery
With one solution: we the viewers got played
Rated PG-13, 121 Minutes
Director: Ben Wheatley
Writer: Jane Goldman and Joe Shrapnel & Anna Waterhouse
Genre: How hard could it be to remake a classic? Oh, that hard.
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who wondered what happened to Kristin Scott Thomas
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The easily distracted
