From the studio that brought you: “I’m Pretty, You’re Pretty and We Seem to Be in a Movie Together, So … Why Not?” comes a tale of murder and mystery. Just kidding; this is a stupid romance involving pretty people who can’t get their shit together. Emma Roberts and Luke Bracey are both indeed pretty, and this is a romance, so the result is a no-brainer … in several ways.
I’m going to blame screenwriter Tiffany Paulsen for the awful titular portmanteau. Tiffany’s only other screenplay to make the majors was also an Emma Roberts film, Nancy Drew (2007). Looks like thirteen years was not enough time for Ms. Paulsen to come up with a good pun. I’d be appalled, son, but we’ve all been there.
Sloane (Roberts) and Jackson (Bracey) don’t actually spend their free time being pretty, which is a relief, cuz that’s probably all I’d do if I looked like either of them. These two aren’t good holiday people; they’ve both come to this state honestly and independently. At the beginning of the film, the two strangers have parallel rivalries over who can screw up a family Christmas more efficiently. Jackson wins. While Sloane is a bigger pain-in-the-ass, her antagonistic behavior stems from family pressure about being single. I’m not going to argue about this, but family members who need confirmation that you’re attached to someone seems a far more common issue in the movies than in real life.
Jackson went ahead and blew Christmas all by himself; misreading the Christmas morning audience comprised only of his would-be girlfriend and her parents, he fails the “you got a present for me, right?” test and then compounds the problem by being explicit about sex with the daughter in front of mom and dad and offering her money in lieu of a present.
For you rookies out there, never offer money in the context of sex with somebody who is not a sex worker. In fact, it’s gauche even in the company of a sex worker, I’m told.
Now that we’ve established these two suck at Noel, now we just have to have them meet and suck with each other. The former is accomplished in a fairly unique way: exchanging lousy gifts for store credit at a mall. I liked this much; I also liked that neither is sold on the other, but recognizes a good beard when they see it. Suddenly, two empty sacks of Grinch schedule platonic dates – but just for holidays, functions at which either might run into friends/family with relationship questions. This seems like an awful long way to go just to avoid awkward conversation. OTOH, as an introvert, I totally respect that.
Holidate is a situation movie. The object is to put the leads in deliberately embarrassing situations and see if they can act their way out of it … or just bad situations, like when Jackson blows his finger off on July 4. Holidate isn’t good art, isn’t particularly funny, nor was I drawn to either lead, which will always be my baseline romance criteria. But I didn’t hate it, and the film was watchable if not necessarily enjoyable. I can’t recommend it, but if you’re stuck with a bad choice of holiday film to endure, this beats your average Hallmark Channel offering.
Two souls make Christmas plans clear
To satisfy those they hold dear
Date each other for show
A mating placebo
Thank God it’s only once a year
Rated TV-MA, 103 Minutes
Director: John Whitesell
Writer: Tiffany Paulsen
Genre: Why can’t the pretty people get along?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who root for pretty people
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who consider holidays sacred
