To be fair, I didn’t know what “tossing someone’s salad” meant, either. Was this based on a personal memory? Anyhoo … if you do not know, please, I beg of you, DO NOT look it up. What the heck is it about Catholicism, anyway? For a faith that encourages you to seek your own path, they sure don’t encourage you to seek your own path; I attended a lot of Catholic school in my youth and I didn’t even know other religions existed until I’d reached double digits. That’s some good sequesterin’, Lou.
Speaking of “tossing the salad” and hopelessly sheltered, Alice (Natalia Dyer) is a fairly typical high schooler – curious about much, knowledgeable about little. Her Catholic faith and her parents have sheltered her from the good stuff, and yet her sexual awareness is happening anyway. Damn you, biology! Oh, they’ll teach you sex-ed in Catholic school … well, sort of.
Admittedly, I dunno jack about abstinence-only sex education, but I can tell you what it feels like to an outsider’s point of view:
(Walks into math class)
Teacher: Now, students, we don’t believe in fractions so we won’t be learning any. And I don’t want you to learn fractions elsewhere, either, because that’s a sin.
Me: That seems like a half-truth at best.
Teacher: HEATHEN!
Suffice to say, Alice’s curiosity flourishes unspoiled through her days at school; meanwhile, her troubles are compounded when a rumor spreads about Alice tossing somebody’s salad (hey, that’s what I’ve been talking about!) … I think it’s especially cruel to accuse a classmate of something sexual in nature when they don’t even know what it is.
With her unpopularity rising to the forefront, Alice makes a terrible move: she signs up for the next Kairos retreat. This is where young 
Catholics go to God camp. It is exactly as horrible as you imagine … but on the plus side, it does allow for the plot to advance … slightly.
Yes, God, Yes alternates between Alice’s repressed mild sexual awaking and Alice’s repressed mild realization that being Catholic and teen at the same time blows. Unfortunately, there just isn’t much here. The unpredictable is smile material at best and the predictable is not terribly hard-hitting; the latter resolves semi-realistically, which is to say you will be disappointed with the results. This material was handled so much better in Saved! that I honestly felt a little sorry for Yes, God, Yes – here, you have a wealth of material on Catholic repression, hypocrisy, and the constant failure to read the room – Jesus, people, have none of you seen Spotlight? And, instead, the high water mark of this film is when Alice discovers the “vibrate” mode on her cell phone (Yes, God, Yes for exactly the purpose you are thinking about right now). It wasn’t enough, and neither was the rest.
There once was a girl named Alice
Who had not one ounce of malice
And yet earned derision
From her Christian division
When she used a crucifix as a phallus
Rated R, 78 Minutes
Director: Karen Maine
Writer: Karen Maine
Genre: The rivalry between God and fun
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of teenager who would never watch this film
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Catholic clergy
