Honestly? Sumo training feels like NFL lineman camp. Enormous, agile gentlemen pushing each other about an enclosure again and again and again and again. And in-between pushing, there’s a lot of slapping. I think that’s “Illegal Use of the Hands,” but the general idea is the same: your enormous guy has to dominate the other enormous guy opposite him. That’s the NFL in the trenches.
I’m going to pretend I’m mature enough to get through this review without mentioning the ridiculous sumo costume. Oops. There’s a lot of skin in this film. There’s more skin here than in your average porno. The reasons for this are obvious: the film has a ton of wrestling, the wrestlers come in costume (which is little more than a super thong), and there –apparently- is no such thing as a sumo practice outfit. You wear the thong or you go home; it’s like a starlet auditioning for a part. But … butt. A lot of butt. A bounty of butts. A cache of cheek. An army of ass. Do you need that much rear in your life?
In case you hadn’t cottoned on, Sumodo: The Successors of Samurai is a documentary about sumo wrestling. This is rare, apparently. The depictions of sumo in Hollywood film generally are cheesy Bond villains, but in Japan, this sport for oversized brutes is honored; it’s practitioners revered. They don’t parade down the aisles with giant entourages and make outrageous hyperbolic hate speech like American professional wrestlers. In fact, never once did I see a dude take a chair to the back of another dude. Their matches last anywhere between five and ten seconds apiece. The athletes train for the endurance it takes to lift a car and put it down.
The film takes us from “stable” to competition. We, in fact, get to “see the sausage being made.” Speaking of which, 36 wrestlers in the film do a night of Korean BBQ on the eve of a match. 2.5 hours and an $8,000 bill later, the restaurant runs out of meat, which seemed the only signal that it’s time to go home. The movie highlights three particular wrestlers: two veterans, the very popular former champion Goeido and a fellow stable rival, Muogiryu, who has a 32” thigh. Yes, a 32” thigh. I did the math (81 cm). The third is an upstart from another stable, Ryuden – a relative youngster, but who can tell? Once you get to sumo size, every competitor looks to be between the ages of 18 and 50.
And fellas, if you’re not getting enough to eat, have I got a country for you!
I can see the appeal of the sport. It looks like two megamen in diapers slapping 
each other around, but sumo is about strength and discipline and technique – not unlike American football. The athletes and coaches will seem hauntingly familiar, too. Goeido tore a pectoral muscle in a match and wrestled three days later – and lemme remind you … he’s not exactly wrestling a toddler. The film interviews a coach who has no tolerance for injuries, sort of a Yoda-ish “do or do not” for assholes. I’m so amused that Japanese coaches can be equally as short-sighted and backwards as American coaches. It’s very refreshing in a way.
I can’t say I was enamored with Sumodo: The Successors of Samurai. While the subject was unique, the approach felt derivative. Also, there were just far too many crotch shots for my comfort level. It’s not that I don’t respect sumo athletes. Quite the contrary. These men are as fine-tuned in their own way as any Olympic gymnast or ice hockey star. But I don’t love the sport – it feels like the replay in football where we see the holding call … and only coaches and future coaches are watching the linemen instead of the ball, knowwhatI’msayin’?
Few will say we appeal to the aesthete
But rules for greatness are not etched in concrete
So hold up a sec, chief
And pass me more beef
I’m what you call a fine-tuned athlete
Rated B for Butt, more cheek than you’ll ever need, 103 Minutes
Director: Sakata Eiji
Writer? Not quite-r
Genre: Eating disorders
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Those who have longed to know more about sumo wrestling, but were afraid to ask
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Professional wrestling fans
