As bad as this film is, you can rest assured that it won’t disappoint, right? I mean, how could it? You have giant lethal monsters; you have humans with pointy weapons flying at them; why, the only way this could possibly disappoint is if they ended the film in the middle of a battle. Oops, I just spoiled the movie.
I’m not wild about all-predator worlds. They don’t make sense. There’s a scientific food chain thing that these worlds completely ignore. Predators need prey, not just other predators. You get the idea that the denizens of this alternate reality live for random human consumption which is difficult as –it appears- there aren’t any humans around. Worlds need variety to flourish; otherwise, you run out of food. Films like this strike me as what I imagine an NRA convention meet-n-greet is like: “Wait. You’re an asshole, too! So am I! What were the odds?”
Captain Artemis (Milla Jovovich) is out patrolling for the last group of army dudes who came this way when she and all of her team fall into an alternate universe, one made up entirely of sand and monsters. Despite living in an alternate universe where army weapons don’t exist, every creature in this universe seems completely immune to bullets, grenades, and random explosions. Despite this, the army
guys keep attacking the monsters with bullets, grenades, and random explosions. In a heartbeat, we’re pretty much down to Milla’s sense of Mo(nsters).
One of the “lucky” inhabitants of this world is “Hunter,” (Tony Jaa), a former sand pirate stuck in monster world because he lost his laptop in a New Jersey computer shop. No, no, just kidding; the truth is almost as stupid: he was sailing the sand sea – 18th century schooners apparently float on sand in this world – when a monster storm blew him overboard. He’s been living on condensation and rock moss ever since. Hunter has developed a system for keeping out the big crab-spider monsters that haunt his rock every night. This system? Big door. Such has effectively kept the crab-spiders at bay as none yet has figured out how to disguise itself as an Amazon delivery person.
Ah, but Hunter doesn’t really fear the sun-skittish crab-spiders; his bane is Diablos, a sand-dwelling predator
the size of a mansion. Dudes … how about poison? Have you ever tried that? The right poison can be effective and only need be applied once. This Dungeons & Dragons crap is simply waiting for the big monster to make contact and then you’re pretty much done regardless of damage you inflict. But, hey, you want to attack an angry mansion with a knife, be my guest.
The best part of Monster Hunter was the hostile-turned-friendly relationship between Artemis and Hunter. This works briefly as the two coordinate successes … and just when you get into liking the two together, the film adds Ron Perlman and spoils the mood completely. Nobody is going to confuse Monster Hunter with great film, and yet –to be fair- it probably isn’t the worst Jovovich/Paul W. S. Anderson collaboration. I’m not sure how those two got tied together; maybe it’s better that they only ruin each other’s projects.
There once was a girl named Milla
Who sought out a B-Grade Godzilla
I don’t think you’re daft
With regards to your craft
Yet your (acting) choices are a little bit silla
Rated PG-13, 103 Minutes
Director: Paul W. S. Anderson
Writer: Paul W. S. Anderson
Genre: Video game in film form
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dunno; video game enthusiasts, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People looking for something other than “small human attacks angry sentient skyscraper with pointy stick”
