On February 7, 2010, Sean Payton coached the New Orleans Saints to a victory in Super Bowl XLIV. It is the only Super Bowl the Saints have ever won in the history of their sad franchise. On March 22, 2012, the NFL suspended Sean Payton for the entire season for Payton’s role in a bounty program where Saints players were paid extra for injuring key opponents. This bounty program had occurred both during the Saints Super Bowl-winning season and beyond.
Sean Payton is the only modern head coach to be suspended by the NFL for any reason. How significant is that? Pretty damn significant; the NFL only acts when its bottom line is threatened. It had no problem with owners blackballing Colin Kaepernick. It repeatedly ignored evidence that brain injuries were associated again and again with standard NFL play. For the NFL to act … on anything, there has to be 100% proof of guilt AND a strong belief that the league will take a financial hit from inaction. Integrity, thy name is NuFfLe.
On January 28, 2022, the Happy Madison crowd – you know, the folks that draw up a screenplay every time Adam Sandler takes a crap- made a biopic about Sean Payton focusing on the year he was suspended from the NFL.
I decided to watch the film first and research the bounty program –of which I was at the time unaware- later.
So first the film: well, this is kind of a meh reboot of Little Giants, a film nobody cared about in 1994, let alone 2022. Sean Payton (Kevin James) is fresh off his super win when his decidedly incompetent assistant tells him Commissioner Roger Goodell is on the line. Two minutes later, Payton is packing his stuff.
Lacking an address and, quite frankly, anything to do, Payton heads for the tiny Texas home town of his ex-wife, Beth (Jackie Sandler *sigh*), and their son, Connor. James plays this role as a man beaten which works well with the foibles he encounters in the hotel … but none of it quite matches reality. Speaking of which, The new Mr. Beth is played by Rob Schneider as a granola-eating hippie moron; I’m sure that will play right into any crowd wishing good things for Sean Payton. However, given ample opportunity to shout “U can do eeet!” Rob fails to do so at every turn.
Sean’s son plays on a wretched pee-wee football team. They don’t win. They don’t even score. They’re intimately familiar with the rule that a forty-point deficit means the scoreboard turns off and the game ends automatically no matter what the clock said. They are coached by Taylor Lautner, whom I didn’t recognize because he kept his shirt on during the whole film.
Of course, it is only a matter of time before Sean Payton becomes head coach of the Home Team. There are a few annoying power-dynamic scenes about Sean’s role on the team. All I can say is: you coach a team that loses every game they play. Suddenly, a Super Bowl winning coach appears and wants to help your team … do you even have to guess about who’s team this is now?
And the Bad News Bears story follows, except this one is weaker on several counts including – but not limited to- the vomit-filled semi-final, an awkward team serenade, a disturbing take on the disposition and role of pretty much every female in the film (well, all three), and Sean Payton realizing halfway through the championship game that he’s doing this for the wrong reason.
Oh … and there’s the whole part where the film never bothered going into the bounty program. Is it irrelevant? You tell me. The NFL hands a suspension to a coach for the first time in the history of the league and that coach spends that suspension … coaching football? What’s wrong with this picture?
I didn’t hate the film-film to the extent that I rated it one star. I laughed twice, I think, and I –more-or-less- rooted for the kids; it’s not their fault. But this film isn’t a gem even if the idea behind it were pure. There’s a scene in which the kids reach the championship game via aggressive projectile vomit; I’m not making this up.
Taking a step back from the screen, Home Team was a bad idea. Really, really bad. I’m all for redemption. I’m all for allowing people to admit their sins and move on … and for society to allow that in turn. BUT 1) Not everybody deserves a sympathetic biopic… especially if they own a Super Bowl ring. With the latter, you’ll get millions of people to sympathize with you already no matter what you did. 2) There is no mea culpa moment in this film. The closest Home Team gets is Sean confessing is when he confides to his son, “It’s complicated.”
Well, this isn’t complicated. Sean Payton doesn’t deserve our sympathy. And he sure doesn’t need to be exonerated through the kind face of Kevin James. If I may be so bold, this is like making a romance biopic about tha
t buffalo-headed Jan 6 shaman starring Mark Ruffalo, and then showing him participating in a peaceful sit-in, as if he deserved our sympathy to show he reformed.
No, no, no. That isn’t how it works.
Riddle me this: without the bounty program, do the Saints win the Super Bowl? Damn right it matters. And damn right you can’t say either way for sure.
Why does Sean Payton get a redemptive arc with the face of Kevin James? Let me be fair. I do believe in reform and atonement. I just want to put this in perspective. Sure, let Sean Payton get a redemptive biopic. But let him stand in line behind all the other deserving folks. Let him stand behind all the people targeted by the bounty program (well, except for Aaron Rodgers; he has his own demons to atone for) … and then all the other coaches who didn’t have bounty programs… and then all the players who didn’t participate in bounty programs … and then all the fans past, present, and future who didn’t know about or certainly didn’t cheer on bounty programs … and then all the citizens of the US who don’t participate in bounty programs of any kind. And then all the citizens of the world who wouldn’t condone bounty programs even if they knew anything about American Football. And after those billion+ biopics have been made, let’s make a Mark Ruffalo biopic of every suspected insect, bird, mammal, reptile, fish and amphibian that don’t condone bounty programs. Then all suspected bounty-free alien life forms. Oooh, sorry, Boba Fett – and I really like your show, too. That might do it. After all of those humans, creatures, and random life forms get their own sympathetic biopic starring Kevin James or JLo or Mark Ruffalo or Kathy Najimy or Kumail Nanjiani or whomever, then and only then will I accept a redemptive biopic about Sean Payton.
But even then, I’ll still pan it.
There once was a coach of the Saints
His targeting drew many complaints
So attacked him I did
With gloves of ilk kid
This is me held back by restraints
Rated PG, 95 Minutes
Director: Charles Kinnane, Daniel Kinnane
Writer: Chris Titone, Keith Blum
Genre: The redemptive arc of artistry
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Sean Payton apologists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who think maybe this was a lousy subject for a film
