It is not often that “Seinfeld” inspires an international thriller, especially since the sitcom went off the air over twenty years ago. And yet, here we are, with –dare I call it?- Chunnel. AKA SAS: Red Notice.
“Chunnel” would have been a better title. SAS: Red Notice sounds like either an eviction procedure or a “Hurry now!” Sales event. But before I critique THAT title too much, readers, I saw this film under the title SAS: Rise of the Black Swan, which is on a short list of worst titles of the year. It might not win, but not for lack of trying. Look, fellas, this isn’t rocket science, and I haven’t taken a single marketing class in my life but … don’t put a colon in your title when the film isn’t a sequel. Ever. And double don’t put a colon in your title when the left half says nothing to your audience. Let me demonstrate…if the left half of your title is “CIA” or “FBI” or “KGB” or “MI6” you have a fighting chance of letting people know something about why they might chance your film. If, however, the left half is “SAS” or “PDQ” or “XYZ” or “FML,” these are things, yes, but since you’re unlikely to know what the left part means, adding a descriptor in the right part doesn’t help any, especially when the right part is “Rise of the Black Swan.” What is this? A violent prequel to Black Swan starring someone passing as a young Natalie Portman?
Now let’s get back to Chunnel. FWIW, the word “Chunnel” is never used in this film even though 80% of it takes place in the Chunnel; this begs the question: is “Chunnel” no longer a term of preference? English or French blog fans, please let me know.
Somewhere in Georgia (the former SSR, not the one on my mind) some violent American mercenaries having aggressively dealt with a local population to get a pipeline installed. Their means were illegal, but sanctioned in private by highly placed English politicians on behalf of –oh Hell, let’s just call it “BP,” because that’s what this film is saying: BP has used its wealth and influence to buy more wealth and influence illegally. (Well, it’s true, isn’t it? Tell me this isn’t about Deepwater Horizon on some level.) Anyway, the terrorists, er, mercenaries, er private military didn’t get paid cuz they’re all like international criminals now –don’t you hate when that happens?- and take over the Chunnel to force demands.
Early on, the film establishes bowl cut Grace Lewis (Ruby Rose) as the kind of emotionless psychopathic badass who will need to be defeated before this thing ends. So … we have our villain. Who’s the hero?
Meanwhile, in another film, Tom Buckingham (Sam Heughan) is –I swear to you- the only honest member of the British counter-terrorism team, SAS. And, lemme tell you, when everyone you work with is dirty, it’s hard to get shit done against terrorists. Being a film, of course, Tom’s fiancée doctorfriend (Hannah John-Kamen) is on the train attacked by terrorists because, well, of course she is.
This is what happens when you are so desperate to make another Die Hard that you go ahead without any inspiration. Hostages in a tunnel, terrorists operating as psychopaths (but really just want money), a lone-wolf hero out to save the innocents but mostly his significant other … and a plot ripped off from an episode of “Seinfeld.” That all said, Chunnel could have been a lot worse. I was vaguely invested in the plot and I did wish to see the defeat of Ruby Rose. Also, San Heughan has two or three very sweet moments with a French child. It’s a darn shame he did not have the same with Hannah John-Kamen. I’d like to say those scenes were especially poorly written, but they weren’t … compared to the rest of the film.
There’s a hijacking in the Chunnel underway
Is it fashionable, this armed powerplay?
I see what you’ve planned
But I don’t understand
Cuz terrorism is not all the rage in Calais
Rated R, 124 Minutes
Director: Magnus Martens
Writer: Laurence Malkin
Genre: Die Hard wannabe
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The Die Hard desperate
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Genuine counter-terrorists
