I can’t say I’ve thought about Poland much since Lech Wałęsa made the news regularly. In the United States, pole dancing comes more frequently . Sure, Holocaust history will point to Poland from time-to-time if only to say, “Gee, aren’t you glad you didn’t live there?” Films about non-Holocaust Poland? Not so much. Films made by Poles? Even fewer. I don’t know how many Polish films I’ve seen in my lifetime, but I guarantee it’s fewer than ten.
So on the one hand, I think it’s fantastic that Poland can make a film entirely relatable to the Western world; it’s about teenage angst and video games and coming-of-age and niche sexism and obesity and body image. You could set this film in Wisconsin. Literally Wisconsin. And not miss a single beat.
On the other hand, it wasn’t very good.
We don’t know where dad went. All we know is he ain’t here. And mom (Karolina Gruszka) is not quite up to single parenting this summer. Hence, Waldek (Maciej Karas) – a Polish sausage disguised as a boy- has to deal with the pinch sitter, his eccentric great aunt Mariola (Dorota Kolak). Aunty wastes no time alienating herself. Left alone with Waldek, she immediately notes that he’s a porker and sends him off for a bike ride. Keep riding until you hit Lithuania, kid; them perogies ain’t gonna sweat themselves out.
Meanwhile, there are two things on Waldek’s mind: gaming and girls, and he has issues with both. On the gaming front, Waldek kicks ass, but he needs a threesome for a tournament and he’s a teammate short. The prize is a trip to Germany! Wow, this generation of Poles wants to go to Germany? We have come a long way. On the girl front, his best homie imagines himself a playah, but Waldek is slow on the hormone front and a basket case once he gets there. For a gamer, he ain’t got much game.
So how is Waldek gonna deal with his crazy aunt, his sick mom, his gaming team, his horndog bestie, and his surging hormones? Well, the answer, unfortunately, is a bit of a “who cares?” I can’t say
I liked Waldek enough to really get into his issues. It’s like Poland knew how to make an American movie all right, but skimped on the “protagonist” part. You see, Waldek comes off as a sympathetic character right up to the moment where … he does something. Ah, your mom is sick? That blows. Wait. Don’t be a closet case now. All you gotta do here is make pathetic whimpering noises and we’ll be on board. No, instead you’re gonna abandon your bicycle. Um … ok. Well. Good luck with that.
This could have been a classic coming-of-age tale uniting tweens of all lands. It wasn’t. I enjoyed a few scenes, I suppose. And I generally felt sorry for Waldek, but as presented, he just didn’t win me over. Life’s rough, even when being Slavic ain’t such a chore any more. Get used to it, Wally. So while I won’t label Too Old for Fairy Tales a Polish Dog, maybe I’ll rate it two kielbasas.
Relationships had taken their toll
Yet “girlfriend” was still Waldek’s goal
Will his pain never end?
Can he quiz a friend?
I dunno. Maybe he should take a Pole
Not Rated, 106 Minutes
Director: Kristoffer Rus
Writer: Agnieszka Dabrowska
Genre: Ready Pole-ayer One
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Misunderstood Tweens
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Understood Tweens
