O HOLY NIGHT! The town has lost its bells. Goodness, what will it do? It’s out almost $13 in found art. Can Christmas be saved? Short answer: of course it can. This is, after all, a Christmas movie. A Christmas movie of incredibly low stakes, a sit-com plot, and direction which makes all the acting look amateur, but a Christmas film nonetheless.
The bells? A big deal. Like a weirdly large deal for people who have rotated more than five times around our sun. You see, rumor has it that the bells were shed by one of Santa’s reindeer. Yup, this is a story about reindeer bling. *Rumored* reindeer bling. I did say this was low stakes, right? A Christmas Mystery plays like a throwaway holiday episode of a mediocre sitcom, like a “Saved by the Bell” Christmas or some shit. I digress. The town kept the bells in a museum because of course they did. And the bells brought this Oregon town “good luck” because what magical Christmas luck you must have when some poor four-hooved shmuck sheds the yoke of Santa’s indifference and lets it fall from the sky? True magic indeed, am I right?
Luckily, pre-teen detective Violet (Violet McGraw) is on the case because her dad, the sheriff, has no idea how to detect. And the guy in prison for Grand Theft Bell clearly didn’t do it because the film isn’t directed well enough to allow for ambiguity. And why the fork would anybody steal bells, anyway? So, sure, put the reformed ex-con (but now a family man!) in jail … on Christmas … because screwing with people’s lives is
indeed the correct response to “somebody stole a bunch of used bells.” (Truth be told, this isn’t exactly an aberration for how law enforcement is handled in this country.)
A Christmas Mystery is the kind of film that only wants to make friends. It doesn’t really believe in wickedness or sinfulness or even curmudgeonly behavior. Everybody is a friend, you see? Even the person who stole the bells and then deliberately tried to pin it on a family man probably had a perfectly reasonable and forgivable explanation, right?
I’ve spoken far too long about A Christmas Mystery already. To be fair, this is probably the most delightful one-star film I’ve seen in many moons. But, and this is important, it is certainly a one-star film. It not only feels like a throwaway sitcom episode, there is nothing and I repeat NOTHING about this film which suggests it should be treated in any other fashion. I suppose if you’re one of those people who lives for Christmas, A Christmas Mystery will put a smile on your face temporarily, but even then, the next crappy Christmas film is on deck and it probably will have more romance than this one.
An Oregon town where all is just swell
Yet a theft turns Christmas into Hell
You want to watch this all day?
“A classic,” you say?
I’m sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell
Rated PG, 87 Minutes
Director: Alex Ranarivelo
Writer: John Ducey
Genre: Christmas crap
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Christmas fanatics
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Movie fanatics
