Let’s get this out of the way right now: The Little Mermaid, 2023, isn’t bad because of some “woke mind virus,” whatever that is. And it isn’t bad because Disney chose to cast a black Ariel; the idea that mermaids have to be a certain color strikes me as even sillier than the belief in fish people. And it isn’t bad because there was no room for a live-action retelling of the story; the fact that Disney gave us the same flawed film is their own fault, not society’s.
In fact, The Little Mermaid, 2023, isn’t a bad film.
But it isn’t a good film, either.
The Little Mermaid is overlong, not a great story to begin with, and the two leads are dull as dirt. Oh, they can sing; such is the requisite for showing up in a musical, of course, but when we are longing for the animated counterpart instead of the real-life human, you might just consider that casting can be entirely
correct and entirely incorrect at the same time; these thoughts aren’t as incompatible or exclusive as they seem.
This Memorial Day weekend, Disney unleashed a lightning rod for bigoted attacks with a live-action retelling of The Little Mermaid. The original animated version from 1989 ushered in an entirely new wave of Disney animated musicals, one that has likely garnered the company roughly eleventy-jillion dollars. By deliberately casting a black woman (Halle Bailey) as the lead in their remake, Disney is set to capture an entirely new wave of viewers. I’m not sure Tiana (The Princess and the Frog) did much for collecting an African-American audience, but I guarantee there are millions and millions of little girls all over the country right now indulging their mermaid dreams. Is it cynical? Maybe. Is it wrong? Not necessarily. The point is, don’t f*** with Disney.
The titular Little Mermaid Ariel lives in the world’s smallest sea constantly dogging schooners and collecting landpeople crap. She even sings about the crap she has as if there’s an underwater version of “Storage Wars.” Her obsession with humans borders on fetish material, and her dreams of contact are answered when Prince Eric (Jonah Hauer-King) shows up in a ship made of papier-mâché. I’m not saying these guys are crappy sailors, but it sure looks like they managed to sink a ship about 300 yards from shore. You know, if you just had come back to port before the storm came in … but I digress.
Ariel’s face-to-face Eric-time fails to satisfy her human-jonesin’, so even though everybody else in her life tells her “this is a bad idea,” heck, the crab (Daveed Diggs) even sings about it –this is one my favorite parts of the Disney tale: Sebastian the Crab literally gives an Oscar-winning performance with “Under the Sea” and Ariel can’t be bothered staying until the end – ok, where was I? Ah, yes. Even though everybody and his grandfish says, “Ariel,
this is a bad idea,” she still solicits the evil Sea Witch (mmmm … seawich) for the magic she needs to become human and live in Eric’s world. Octopus-human hybrid Ursula (Melissa McCarthy) has her own little moment lapping up what a useful idiot Ariel is in helping to achieve her own objectives. Dudes, you have set back humano-octopi relations 20 years; you know this, right?
I cannot say I’m terribly wild about he portrayal of women in the film. The only ones we indulge are Ariel, who comes off as a tool, Queen Selina (Noma Dumezweni) who is wise and powerful until she isn’t, and Ursula, who is selfish and evil. In addition, Ariel and Ursula both have “enjoy my breasts” moments. I’m not telling you how to make your films, Disney, but (imho) there are better ways of showing personal strength.
My general thought of The Little Mermaid is one of, dare I say? Missing the boat. The film is consistently in need of levity. You have a talking crab; you have singing and dancing; you have Awkwafina … why is this film so serious? In two plus hours of magic and song, The Little Mermaid managed to strike a tone of angst and longing instead of joy and discovery. You want to cut “Les Poissons?” You want to avoid the recent “sea shanty” fad? Your choice. Yes, this version will be beloved by some, but it could have been beloved by many.
The whole point of this film is indulging a short-sighted, man-crazy hoarder, and –in turn- allowing her to learn no lesson in the process. OK, OK. That’s a very negative interpretation. But in the very least, Ariel comes off as naïve and indulged. She spends the film making poor choices and is rewarded for her behavior. Is the production all that bad, really? Not at all. It’s Disney aimed at little girls who want to become princesses; in the history of entertainment, there has never been anybody better at delivering for that particular group.
♪Calling my bluff?
Isn’t that sweet?
Got these do-gooders here right at my feet
Wouldn’t you think I’m the troll
The troll who hurts everyone?
I’ve got hatespeech and insults a plenty
I’ve got disses for fifty or more…
Flame emojis? I’ve got twenty
Yet I care
Because fascists
Demand more…
I wanna make the world ugly
I wanna spread lies like Trump on crack
I wanna see pain from every person that I don’t back
Up in your posts
Up in your feed
I’m gonna say crap until your eyes bleed
Watch and you’ll see
DeSantis and me
Will hate on your world…♫
Rated PG, 135 Minutes
Director: Rob Marshall
Writer: David Magee
Genre: Another Disney cash cow
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Your little girl
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who uses the word “woke” on a daily basis
♪ Parody Inspired by “Part of Your World”
