At some point within the next fifty years, America is going to televise live combat-to-the-death matches. It’s not a question of “if” but “when.” And when it happens, it will signal the impending end of the United States. We will become what we fear: late-stage Rome.
How do I know this will happen? Any culture so morally bankrupt that it can justify electing Donald Trump a second time with all his baggage and fascist agenda laid bare will inevitably get around to murder for entertainment. Honestly? It wouldn’t even be that hard right now. Suppose Trump wanted it. Who would push back? MAGA? Democrats? Congress? The Justice Department? SCOTUS? Our cultural sense of decency? The media? The media?! You mean the same media who constantly inflates RW talking points at the expense of genuine issues and complains very loudly every.single.time someone left of Hitler tells the truth? That media? You mean the media who played down Trump’s criminality, stupidity, unfitness, pettiness, narcissism, and fascist tendencies while normalizing his campaign? That media? The media that all but ignored the monumental failures of Trump I on the pretense that he knows how to improve the economy going forward? That media? Heck, Fox would stuff “Death Night in America” in between Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham and placate American calls for pacifism with “better ratings than the NFL.” We all have given Trump carte blanche to crime at will and amuse himself exactly as he pleases. It could happen in January if that orange piece of shit wills it. We are all at his mercy now.
Stepping back for a moment, when that day comes where murder is entertainment, I think it spells the beginning of the end for the American experiment. Constitutional democracy may live on, but not here.
And on that cheery note, let’s get into Gladiator II, another tribute to late-stage Rome and a historical re-creation of a time when man-eating sharks were added to gladiator battles.
This should be your biggest take-away from Gladiator II: in lieu of a decent stunt/fight coordinator, the producers went with CGI animals. OK, maybe they weren’t CGI. Maybe you can train baboons, rhinos, and sharks to attack costumed actors on demand. It’s gotta be better than their human opponents, right?
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
We’re sixteen years following the period where shit went down and Russell Crowe yelled questioningly if we all were entertained. I think we were at the time. That tween kid Crowe talks to in the first film is now a grown-ass man with a wife and a North African kingdom to defend. Then Pedro Pascal and the Roman army show up. Long story short – wife dead, Hanno (aka Lucius Verus Aurelius) (aka “Chocolate Thunder”) (Paul Mescal — hold up; you made a film in which two of the biggest three actors are “Mescal” and “Pascal?” That ain’t right) is now a slave/gladiator. Mescal has, roughly, 1/10th of Crowe’s charisma and we know this because the film keeps namedropping Maximus like it’s a drinking game.
Oh, and I LOVE the part where there’s an homage to slave/gladiator/emperor-defier Maximus -inscribed in English, btw- within the catacombs of the Colisseum. Ask yourself: Who made that, and why? And if you come up with a reasonable answer, let me know if Hell has 
indeed frozen over where you are.
Other things to consider here are insane twin emperors Geta and Caracalla, both of whom look like they share a rare and fatal skin disease. And there’s also wealthy king-maker Macrinus (the usually reliable Denzel Washington, although -sadly- not in this case).
I’m guessing that Ridley Scott knew he didn’t have Russell Crowe or anyone of Crowe’s magnitude to be a focal point, so he and his team went for sensationalism ahead of world-building.
To me, it’s kind of embarrassing for everyone that this film came out at Oscar time, pitted itself against Wicked, threw its head high, shoulders back, and stood at attention like the eight-year-old in an oversized helmet trying to pretend he’s a soldier for dad. Gladiator II is a weak and untimely forgettable sequel to a highly overrated original. For a film that is supposed to play like Hunger Games, Gladiator II feels more like The Super Mario Bros. Movie. I didn’t like that one, either, but at least it committed to the animation.
There was once a farmer named Hanno
The Romans ruined all of his planno
They killed his wife
And slaved his life
And made him fight rhino a mano
Rated R, 148 Minutes
Director: Ridley Scott
Writer: David Scarpa, Peter Craig, David Franzoni
Genre: CGI animal cruelty
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Who wouldn’t want to see a man riding a rhinoceros like a horse
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “I didn’t even like the first one”
