One hundred and thirty-nine minutes is a long time to stare at Andrew Garfield. It was nice of the film to alleviate this plight by providing plenty of naked women. When it comes right down to it, however, if you’re going to put Andrew Garfield in every.single.scene in your long-ass film, there had better be something else to draw your eye from time-to-time, knowwhatI’msayin’?
Sam (Garfield) is a loser. No job, no money, no life, and eviction pending. For a loser, however, he sure gets a ton of play. On a seemingly typical day, his neighbor traipses topless on her balcony, his girlfriend comes over for some afternoon delight, and the new supermodel pool sunbather enjoys his staring so much, she invites him over for some drugs ‘n’ sex. “Oops, roomies. Raincheck on the sex.”
When Sam returns for his fortune nookie, Sarah (Riley Keough) has moved out. This seems unbelievable as Sam doesn’t have life enough not to notice somebody moving out of the apartment complex. And this is where a very bizarre adventure begins. BTW, you might ask yourself why the otherwise uninspired Sam suddenly becomes Columbo chasing down leads, putting pieces together, and even strong-arming a guy or two to find the girl. Is it all to get laid? Yes. I’m pretty sure it is. There are worse pursuits, I suppose.
There’s a dog killer in this story. Not a dog who kills, somebody who kills dogs. There’s a missing billionaire. There’s a skunk attack. There’s a chess party. There’s a cereal box with a potential real life treasure map. I have yet to scratch the surface of the weird elements that comprise Under the Silver Lake, and –to be clear- most of this is completely irrelevant. I was pretty sure by the midway mark that the film editor took a pass. Speaking of which, did I mention the Owl Woman? Silly me.
While introducing a supernatural villain, the Owl Woman, Under the Silver Lake missed a golden opportunity. The Owl Woman is some sort of modern mythical beast with the body of a beautiful naked woman and the head of 
an owl. For reasons only known to homo avians, Owl Woman targets single men, breaking into their places, sneaking up from behind, and stabbing them repeatedly. I know this is terribly un-PC, but when you are knifed to death by a naked Owl Woman, I think you’re allowed to use a final breath to comment, “Nice hooters.”
This film is an absolute dream for conspiracy theorists: secret locations, odd instructions, messages in music, and everywhere manipulation, manipulation, manipulation. Twenty years ago, this might have been my favorite film, ever. But now that conspiracy theorists have taken over the government, I’m less pleased with those who deliberately choose to view logic as an impediment. No offense intended, Silver Lake, yours is an awfully creative film, but the timing is piss poor … which probably accounts for why I didn’t see it until now.
Both an homage and a parody of the noir genre, Under the Silver Lake has the ability to put one in the mood of both The Big Sleep and Cat People at the same time. Is this a good thing? I’m not sure. I am sure there’s too much Andrew Garfield. The tale is told entirely from his perspective as an outsider seeking answers, but it really could have used more depth of character from literally anybody else in the cast. There are multiple times that the film feels like a curious man has journeyed to the top of the Himalayas just to have the guru at the apex send him away with an answer to a question completely irrelevant to the one he asked. The movie’s only natural conclusion is having our hero climb the next mountain over to discover if that guru has some better answers. If your movie experience is about recognition of journey, this is a great watch … it your movie experience is about satisfaction of conclusion … there are other films I’d recommend instead.
♪Well, I started ‘vestigatin’ bout a day ago
Had a date to get some when Sarah became a no show
Now I’m following a map on the back of Lucky Charms, oh no
Then somethin’ from the shadows really gave me a fright
What the Hell walks naked with a bird head at night?
Bird head at night? Bird head at night? El Lay, all right
Owl Woman, you’re my woman.
Got libido risin’. Fully enterprisin’♫
Rated R, 139 Minutes
Director: David Robert Mitchell
Writer: David Robert Mitchell
Genre: What the Hell is going on here?!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Conspiracy theorists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who have no patience for conspiracies, drug culture, promiscuity, or the just plain bizarre
♪ Parody Inspired by “LA Woman”
