Here’s a sweet little nothing of a film designed to engineer smiles. It is based on a true story, and the story I saw was amiable and, well, true enough; that’s all that matters, right? The basic premise is a middle-aged transit authority repair-shop minion uses his mother’s life insurance money to invest in a restaurant where the specialty is things your Italian grandmother cooked for you once upon a time.
This isn’t the worst idea for a restaurant. Needs a fair amount of tweaking, but it’s not the worst idea for a restaurant by any stretch. And -with that in mind- it’s not really the best idea for a movie, either, tbh. But I suppose we don’t get a whole lot of movies about restaurant openings, so why not?
The amiable Brooklynite Joe Scaravella (Vince Vaughn) is single and -in effect- widowed, having lost his mother recently. His buddy Bruno (Joe Manganiello – who, like Vaughn, is also 6’5”) urges him to do something for himself with the life insurance money … and then is horrified when Joe buys a property in Staten Island to make into a grandma restaurant.
Joe has little going for him – he doesn’t know how to turn a broken restaurant into a working restaurant; he doesn’t have any influence with the government or the locals; he doesn’t have a line on any employees, and he seems to be all alone in this endeavor (at least until he talks Bruno into his plan).
I think I read somewhere that 2 in 3 new restaurants fail within the first year. Enoteca Maria seems likely to be part of the majority. The film made some choices here that we like for film reasons, but I hate for labor and restaurant reasons. Joe puts out a Craigslist ad asking for Italian grandmother “chefs.” Three show up (Lorraine Bracco, Talia Shire, and Brenda Vaccaro). Joe hires all three – Joe seems like the kind of guy who can’t say “no” to anybody. And then the subplot for Nonnas becomes entirely about these old women figuring out how to work with one another. Like the film itself, the subplot is cute and sweet, sorta. We are genuinely interested in what these women have to offer. Being that Joe comes off as so nice, we want him to succeed, especially with such an endearing idea. (Shouldn’t all ideas that make the world a better place be profitable? Oh, if only that were true.)
In reality, however, lemme see if I understand this correctly: you’re a restaurant owner with zero experience and you want to indulge a revolutionary idea by employing retired non-chefs to be chefs. And these seventysomething/eightysomething women (Brenda Vaccaro is 85) are going to endure a walk-train-and-boatride commute on a daily basis to cook at your restaurant and create dishes on demand. Am I understanding that correctly? And the 
fact that their conflicting backgrounds start kitchen fights is just, what? A perk?
It doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out. You hire one or two sous chefs to do all the daily work/heavy lifting. You hire seven (7) different Nonnas, one for each day of the week. It’s unlikely they need the money or the stress, so you don’t have to press on any one of them. Then you make a different set menu for every day of the week. (Ex. Tuesday it’s Teresa, we do shrimp scampi. Wednesday it’s Antonella, we do that weird sheep-head thing she likes.) The film suggests these women work all show up to work work every night. Do you want to see in real life what an 85-year-old woman with a two-hour commute and a daily night shift looks like after a month? I don’t.)
So, yeah, the film took some liberties with reality. But then, all films do. Most based on real life, however, don’t make it that obvious.
Silliness aside, Nonnas is an endearing slice of nothing. It’s possible this film will resonate with people oft subjected to traditional Italian cooking and the residents in the Staten Island neighborhood where Enoteca Maria still exists … but I’ll bet anything, they’re still choosing “The Sopranos” when the TV is on.
♪I met them in a ‘hood down the Staten way
Where they bitch about COVID all day, that RONA
R-O-N-A, Rona
They couldn’t get along for five seconds or less
Italian grandmas sure made a mess, those Nonnas
N-O-N(-N)-A, Nonnas
Well I’ve not the world’s most savvy restaurateur
And when the burnt down the kitchen I knew fer sher
Oh no, Nonnas
N-O-N(-N)-A, Nonnas
But I sank every dime into this dead end
And when you run out of dough, you run out of friends
Oh no, Nonnas
N-O-N(-N)-A, Nonnas
No-No-No-No-Nonnas♫
Rated PG, 111 Minutes
Director: Stephen Chbosky
Writer: Liz Maccie, Jody Scaravella
Genre: Films that make old people happy
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The underrated grandmothers of the world
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Didn’t your grandmother retire so that she could *stop* working?”
♪ Parody Inspired by “Lola”
