Yes, Annabelle, for the last time, sure, I missed you. Geez, how thirsty. And you thought the Toy Story gang was desperate. Annabelle has appeared in, like, eight films, and she’s needier than an only child on picture day.
Speaking of abominations of childhood, The Conjuring gang is back … and this time they have a kid. The Conjuring: Last Rites follows the continuing antics of Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga); this episode starts in 1964 with pregnant Lorraine and an evil full-length mirror. I’m thinkin’ maybe, just maybe, you don’t battle evil demons while you’re in the third tri-mester? I mean it didn’t exactly go well for the Fantastic Four, now, didn’t it?
Next thing you know, Lorraine gave birth to a child constantly and literally haunted by demons. Here’s where I think the film messed up a bit. If you’re seeing demons constantly, wouldn’t you just kinda get used to it? Hear me out: You, a -presumably- adult person walks into a closed room with hundreds of spiders on the wall. What do you do? Shriek, panic, run, or do battle, I imagine, right? Classic fight or flight.
Now imagine you’re 12 and every room you’ve entered for the past twelve years has had hundreds of spiders on the wall. At some point, aren’t you just,
“Hey spiders.”
“Hey, Jim.”
“You guys catch the game last night?”
“Yeah, but only cuz we were hoping for more pop flies.”
“Nice”
Twenty years later, the mirror ends up in Western Pennsylvania, a coming-of-age present for a girl the elders obviously have little faith in. “We got you a mirror, dear.” “Gee. Thanks.”
As if the present weren’t bad enough, the mirror is all kinds of evil, and pretty soon, family members are choking, levitating, and coughing up blood.
But 
that’s ok, because in the meantime, Judy Warren (Mia Tomlinson) is getting engaged! You know what they say – you don’t marry a person; you marry their family, oh, and all the evil demon entities tied to that person’s soul. Buddy, you have no idea what that ring means.
The Conjuring: Last Rites is a very odd combination of scenes – it will combine the engagement moment and tear-jerking confession from the groom-to-be with a malevolent evil doll come-to-life and a basement axe murderer. This film is all over the map. I suspect there is enough here to make horror die-hards enjoy. It does have some good moments of horror, maybe a scene or two with hands-covering eyes. But the film is a little disjointed and a little long. 135 minutes for horror better put you in Silence of the Lambs land; it is doesn’t, ask yourself how many of those filler scenes between jump scares you really need.
Demon thwarters, Ed and Lorraine Warren
Wanted their lives to be a little more borin’
But a mirror called their girl
And after scene of bloody hurl
Screw it! Who is up for some gorin’?
Rated R, 135 Minutes
Director: Michael Chaves
Writer: Ian Goldberg, Richard Naing, Davud Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick
Genre: Scooby-Doo mysteries
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of supernatural horror
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “I’m kinda tired of Annabelle”
