Can’t say the I remember the first Black Phone too well – IIRC, there was this dank basement for kidnap victims with a phone on the wall. Dead people kept calling on the phone and the horror was that they were calling collect? Something like that.
This time, they got rid of the basement, which is good cuz there’s only so much of any basement I can take before it gets depressing. Instaed, today’s Black Phone adventure takes place at a Summer Camp … a setting where nothing bad ever happens. Except it’s in the winter, where nothing bad ever happens.
In retrospect, I love how there’s just a pay phone down by the lake. Cuz, sure, why not? Li’l Timmy has been short-sheeted, bullied, pantsed, and wedgied, but the near drowning is the last straw! Make sure he can call home while still in a swimsuit.
The deal here is that this is Jesus Camp in the mountains of Colorado. Teens have been invited to get CIT training for the upcoming season, but the only ones to get through have a connection to the original Black Phone kidnapping/murders. These include Finney (Mason Thames), the angry sole survivor of the previous Black Phone abductions, Gwen (Madeline McGraw), Finney’s sister -who can communicate with the dead, apparently, and Gwen’s boytoy, Ernesto, who is now 0-for-2 in the Black Phone recognition department.
The camp is full of snow and it’s not long before dead campers come over to haunt Gwen and maybe have a sleepover. It’s a shame when your cabin is full of dead guys, cuz you know you’ve got no shot at the Camp Olympics. I mean, seriously, you expect a dead guy to pull his weight in the tug of war? I think not. The dead kids are followed by The Grabber (Ethan Hawke), a Halloween-mask wearin’ evil spirit. Grabber immediately taunts both Gwen and Finney. You know, people wouldn’t
think you’re such a psychopath of you could just let it go, buddy.
Grabber wants revenge for the first film. Geez, sore loser, much? And “he” goes about it in the most Freddy Krueger way possible. Seriously, dude, this is scary and frightening, but you really are steppin’ on toes here. The guy with the chicken pox face and the knife-fingers … he’s the one that kills you in dreams; this is his bit.
Shrug. Whatchagonnado? Villains today, sheesh.
Geographic isolation is always the key to slasher horror, so one has to respect “winter cabins and no functioning road” even if one doesn’t respect the Freddy Krueger bit. Also … gotta love an out-of-work phone in the middle of nowhere with a predator on the other end … although that part really gives off vibes of another type of predator. All this adds up to a decent horror. Not a great horror, but a decent one. A few scares. A few calls from beyond the grave. A trio of creepy dead kids and a lot of blood. Kids, you don’t have to wear blood; it’s not like a scarf. I guess you just want to. Ok. Who am I to give fashion tips to the dead?
There was once a killing monster called “Grabber”
His forte was being a world class stabber
But his skills set didn’t hone
Cuz he’s always on the phone
Man alive, can that maniac jabber!
Rated R, 114 Minutes
Director: Scott Derrickson
Writer: Joe Hill, Scott Derrickson, C. Robert Cargill
Genre: Mysteries that call for cell tech
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Horror junkies
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Freddy Krueger
