The dilemma presented by today’s film – by my reading at least — is as follows: How would you like a vacation in paradise with all the trimmings EXCEPT that you have to share it with a rabid killer chimpanzee?
All I can say is I’ve seen the place and, yeah, for a couple weeks there, assuming I survive, I would take that deal. Yeah, the great ape is strong, fast, and deadly, but you haven’t seen this place; it’s awesome.
Several interchangeable teenagers return home after finals to somebody’s house. It doesn’t matter who owns the house. No, it really doesn’t. The salient parts are that the house is a fantastic Hawaiian cliffside split-level paradise with a sweet ocean overlook and a pool that borders the cliff. The other salient point is that the family who owns the home has a pet chimpanzee named Ben.
Ben is the only worthwhile character in the film … and that’s only because the previously docile Primate contracted rabies (how?) from a mongoose (how?). And, unlike Cujo, who slow-walked the disease, that wimp, Ben needed just a day-and-a-half to go from adorable family pet to vicious killer. Luckily, this is one of those films where I disliked all the teens -especially the horndogs that show up on cue later- so watching Ben kill them was not as horrible as it should have been … especially when the film begins with a literal face ripping. Eek.
Nobody in this film has a super hold on how to control Ben. Geez, folks, is he your pet or not? And while the film took great advantage of showing us how freakishly strong chimps are, it discounted greatly the intelligence of the animal, merely having it respond to audio stimuli. Of course, the humans in 
the film weren’t any smarter than the ape, so I guess fair-is-fair. And we got plenty of scenes where scarred humans try not to make noise cuz the chimp will hear them. I absolutely love the part where two girls hide in the closet as if a chimpanzee of normal ability can’t both hear and smell them. Yeah, behave just like you would as if your predator were a human. Again, do these people know nothing about their pet?
Primate was clearly inspired by the non-sequitur scenes from Nope, where a stage chimp became violent and trashed a film set and its occupants. The problem here is that non-sequitur from Nope was a ton scarier than Primate and left me wondering why I wasn’t just watching Nope again, as it is a far superior film. I’d say Primate, comparatively, was just monkey business.
A family pet chimpanzee named Ben
Got as mad as a proverbial wet hen
He got rabies from a bite
And after that, he just might
Dismember every human again and again
Rated R, 89 Minutes
Director: Johannes Roberts
Writer: Johannes Roberts, Ernest Riera
Genre: The Secret Life of Pets
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Strict horror fans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Please let something happen that isn’t stupid.”
