Leave it to France to make Dracula the ultimate (and literal) lady killer. I’ve seen so many vampire stories over the years, the question has now become: “What will this version bring to the table?”
The answer? “Gargoyles and Love Potion #9”
We’ve seen irresistible Dracula before. We’ve seen Dracula, lover, before. We’ve seen Dracula-can’t-let-it-go before. But I don’t think I’ve quite seen Dracula stroll into a nunnery, douse himself with the ultimate seductive concoction, and have the whole of God’s servitude throw themselves neck-first at him. They’re just plain batty for the guy.
Lemme backtrack. The year is 1480 and the place is … “Eastern Europe.” Way to nail it down there, writer/director Luc Besson. Don’t you have a Parisian car chase to film? Count Dracula (Caleb Landry Jones) interrupts makeout time with Elisabeta (Zoë Bleu) to don his metal feathers and go fight … whomever. First, he stops by the local clergy to remind the head God guy there that Dracula‘s life ain’t as important as his woman’s, and could you please be sure to save her if there’s a choice, dig? Well, funny story, we can count on the Count returning, but Elisabeta eats it at the hands of the enemy. I’m not sure what the end game here was for the enemy. “Dudes, we’re gonna lose this one … instead of fighting back or fleeing, let’s chase down and kill that young woman.” “I’m in.” In the wake, the film opts for comic relief where a younger Count tries to commit suicide to join Elisabeta. After literally flinging himself out a castle window eight times, he gives up.
At this point, Count Dracula renounces the church, which somehow makes him immortal. Is it really that easy? And then he spends the next 400 years tracking Elisabeta down. You know after three hundred years, his friends have gotta be telling him: Drac, bro, look, I know you’re hurtin’, man, but, she died, you gotta let her go.” .
“No, No. This is the century. I know I’ll find her. Now gimme my love potion.”
Sure enough, Count Dracula finds his woman in 1889 Paris. She is affianced to a man he’s going to kill, but what does that matter, really? This love is immortal, right? Besides, he’s gonna have her beau killed by his minions. Minions is the right word. The other true innovation here is gargoyles. In lieu of castle staff, animated gargoyles carry out all of the Count’s bidding, including capturing and torturing visitors to the castle. Yeah, they’re gray and not 
altogether pleasant looking, but these are Minions, definitely. Is Despicable Me just a Dracula retelling? Is that why Gru talks with that silly accent?
Cue Chistoph Waltz as a priest running around warning of Dracula dangers. This is cute in the way nothing is actually cute, but I did like the fact that I saw Christoph Waltz in Frankenstein one night and Christoph Waltz in Dracula the next. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll see Christoph Waltz in The Mummy or The Wolfman or some shit.
I cannot say I found anything appealing about Caleb Landry Jones as a big-lipped version of the ultimate living machine. I really wondered why anybody would want to make out with this guy … it MUST be a magic potion. This tale, however, was engaging enough without being spectacular. I’m glad it spent not a great deal of time with romantic Drac – despite his vibe, he’s a fighter, not a lover. Because kissing the Dracula still feels … ewww. But who am I to judge? I’m not immortal. Maybe lips just do that after many years. Not a big recommendation here, but sure, you can see if you liked this film better than myself.
There once was a count named Drac
He favored overly the color of black
His woman died in war
And now our guy is sore
It’ll take centuries, but he’s going to get her back
Rated R, 129 Minutes
Director: Luc Besson
Writer: Luc Besson, Bram Stoker
Genre: Haven’t we done this?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Gargoyles
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Nuns
