Zazie Beetz continues to be cooler than the rest of us and some the proof: Eight years upriver for shooting a child abuser, and the first thing she does upon getting out is take on a host of immortal Satanists. Meanwhile, I didn’t even make the bed today.
Before I get going, I know what you’re thinking: “Huh. A bunch of rando Satanists hunting down a grown woman or two in comic fashion in order to save their own legacy … didn’t I just see this?” Of course you did. It was called Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. And it was fun. And They Will Kill You is fun, in strikingly similar ways. You could double feature these two films, adding the original Ready or Not for shits and giggles and have a rollicking, blood-spurtive, catastrophe of a good time for an entire afternoon.
That doesn’t sound like a half-bad idea.
Ok, ready or not, here’s They Will Kill You – fairly aspirational title, huh? Also, spoilers! In a fairly intense introduction, Asia Reaves (Zazie) and her much younger sister Maria are trying to escape their abusive father. He catches, Asia shoots, Asia imprisoned. Years later, Asia has to rescue her younger sister again. This time from a Satanic death cult. Asia doesn’t know that Maria is employed in a Satanic death cult, but luckily, her skill set allows her to survive and flourish even when dudes break into her room in the middle of a sound sleep.
Oh, here’s a key part: the Satanists all live in a closed-up one-way-in-one-way-out old-fashioned art deco hotel with a ton of secret passages. Also, when I say these guys
are immortal, I mean immortal. I mean, “Your leg is off!” “No, it’s not.” “Oh, no, it’s not.”
So Asia is kinda fighting an uphill battle. But don’t worry; there are many pointy weapons in They Will Kill You. And before long, each side will know what the other is all about, which is good in that it reduces the “surprise, I’m evil!” and “surprise, I’m immortal!” factors.
They Will Kill You isn’t to be taken seriously; I don’t think anything with Satanists is. And like Ready or Not, it’s the fun side of sharp-tooled Satanism. No, an eyeball that moves on its own (literally a roaming eye, huh?) isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but if you can stomach the idea, the film is a good time. I’m thinking of seeing if there are more Kirill Sokolov films out there.
Once a badass parolee named Asia
Had to deal with Satanic caucasia
She went in herself
To get sis off the shelf
But this ain’t no blessed land of fantasia
Rated R, 94 Minutes
Director: Kirill Sokolov, who already sounds like a KGB assassin, huh? Sounds like the guy James Bond takes down in the last five minutes of movie
Writer: Alex Litvak, Kirill Sokolov
Genre: Sharp pointy things
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Feminists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Satanists?
