How old is too old when fighting to the death? I thought about this question when I looked up the age of Karl Urban. He will be 54 on June 7th. That’s not … old, per se, but it sure ain’t young. If he lost his life in a duel, would that be considered a tragedy? I mean, suppose Alexender Hamilton was 75 when he got shot by Aaron Burr (whoa, spoilers!); would that have been a tragedy? I doubt it.
You see where I’m going, right? Has-been martial artist/ex- movie star Johnny Cage (Urban) has been invited to the intergalactic round-robin Mortal Kombat tournament, for the fate of the planet, if I’m understanding this correctly — can the Earth not do better? And I do mean round-robin. The fact that any of these people can lose a fight and still fight again tells me that none of you actually understands the meaning of “mortal combat.” My guess from watching this film is that the makers don’t understand a lot of terms or words. That didn’t stop them from making this film.
Cage is reluctant -as one would be- in fighting to the death (with the freedom of Earth in the balance? Just how does that work?). Karl Urban is too old for this role. However, he is the only actor in the cast worth watching, so it’s quite the mixed bag. Yeah, when he dons his silly combat shades, it’s clearly a stunt double, then just CGI, but before that part, he had my attention.
Before that part, we also get some background about how some face-shy bully, Shao Khan, kills for kicks and enslaves nations. Hey, good for him. We instantly follow the slain king’s daughter, Kitana (Adeline Rudolph), because we know she’ll grow up to get revenge on Shao Khan, right? Right?!
And this is where the film lost me.
Like, completely lost me.
In the first match of Mortal Kombat to decide who rules the universe or whatever, Johnny Cage goes up against Kitana. These are characters we’re supposed to like, and yet we have to see them battle to the death?! That doesn’t seem right, does it? This is worse than pro wrestling. Cage loses but doesn’t die in the process. Well, that’s just wrong. And we’re rooting for the princess even though
she’s technically on the side of evil? Oh, I am lost. And this film isn’t good enough to find me. I hope the video game source material was clearer, although I cannot believe it matters.
I did like the weird hat-throwing character. Apparently, you can bring your own weapons into Mortal Kombat. That also doesn’t make sense; I’d bring a gun. Anyway, this sun-shy creep has a combo straw hat/circular saw and throws it at opponents. It is to me recollection, the first use of a lethal hat since Oddjob in Goldfinger. So, woo?
As bad films go, Mortal Kombat II was pretty good. It had some ridiculous fights and some killing and Karl Urban caught my attention when he opened his mouth. Not necessarily when his obvious stunt double did. However, this film is unnecessarily confusing and put me to sleep twice. I doubt I missed much.
There once was a martial artist named Cage
A great fighter long ago, I’d wage
But the decades have passed
Now he gets harassed
For choosing not to rise up to engage
Rated R, 116 Minutes
Director: Simon McQuoid
Writer: Jeremy Slater, Ed Boon, John Tobias
Genre: Movies to fall asleep to
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Mortal Kombatters
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People in the theater by mistake
