Who here hates Barney the Dinosaur? Good. I’ve got a movie for you. Imagine, for instance, that behind the scenes, Barney had no tolerance for contradiction and settled such with bloody murder.
Of children.
Have I got your attention yet?
Yeah, Buddy is one nasty mascot and this is one nasty film. The scene is a television clubhouse. It’s a one-room combination everything surrounded by a neatly trimmed yard with a swing, a slide, a picket fence, and a wishing well. This is a kid’s show: the backpack talks, the mailbox talks, the wishing well talks, the train talks, the clock talks. And the king of the entire playground is Buddy, a six-foot tall fluffy orange unicorn, who might just double as the mascot for the Denver Broncos.
Writer/director Casper Kelly jumps us right into an episode of “It’s Buddy.” This is a TV show aimed at early childhood, so there are no previous plot points to worry about. When the kids have issues, they spy a replica plush toy, say the magic words, “Hey Buddy!” and *poof* unicorn. In this particular episode, the white girl is nervous about an upcoming dance, so Buddy talks her through her fears. Awwww. Then Josh. Nerdy 
white kid #1, expresses no desire to dance at all. He isn’t nervous about performance; he just doesn’t want to. He’d rather read his book, A Wrinkle in Reality (!)
Buddy has an issue with that. And Buddy ain’t lettin’ it go. The two minds seem at an impasse.
Next episode, Josh ain’t there. And Josh is replaced in the opening montage with a girl named Hannah.
Huh. What happened to Josh?
It doesn’t take long to find out. The dancing kid, Freddy, finds a bloody copy of A Wrinkle in Reality in the trash can. When the show nurse, Grace, confronts Buddy, the giant stuffed unicorn up and bludgeons her to death. Oh, I’m likin’ this film.
A lot of us have had to deal with insipid pre-childhood televised drama. Personally, I’ve had enough of “Teletubbies”, ”Barney”, and “Dragon Tales” to last three lifetimes. Did I think that Barney was a
serial killer? No. Did I wish that Barney was a serial killer? Not really, no. But I do wish there had been a little more there. Muppetry has an edge. Oscar the Grouch is a jerk. Mr. Snuffleupagus is a figment of Bird Bird’s imagination (and a key symbol in describing Bird’s declining mental health). Barney sings songs. All day. Barney never has a bad day. I don’t jive with that.
Buddy is the film that Five Nights at Freddy’s should have been. It’s wicked and unforgiving and, best of all, I never really felt threatened by the Freddy’s gang. Yeah. They’re big clumsy robots. So what? Turn off their power supply. Buddy is different. Buddy is large and maladroit, but there’s a stone-cold murderer in there, and one willing to bend reality to get his way. Can’t wait for Buddy 2.
There once was a unicorn named Buddy
As a role-model, he turned out to be cruddy
For in lieu of instruction
He’d opt for destruction
And leave every playground quite bloody
Rated R, 96 Minutes
Director: Casper Kelly
Writer: Casper Kelly, Jamie King
Genre: Reinventing Barney
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Any parent who had to watch one-too-many shows aimed at teaching children right-from-wrong
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Kids
