She’s a man, baby. Oh, wait. That’s not a thing here? You’re kidding, right? We’re just going to play this as if writer/director/star John Early is a woman. As in a genuine biological-can-get-pregnant female. Ok, fine. Sure it’s like if Dustin Hoffman played Tootsie as a 100% female -which would have been off-putting and made no sense- and maybe you can see where I’m going with this review.
Maddie Ralph (Early). Wait. Seriously? “Ralph.” The “secret” in Maddie’s Secret is that she has bulimia and you’ve given her the name “Ralph.” Subtle, man, real subtle. Anyhoo, Maddie is a dishwasher in a studio that makes video content. That’s it, a dishwasher.
And I want to point out here that I didn’t like this character from the start. It had nothing to do with a man playing a woman. It had everything to do with the fact that Maddie seems to have the depth of a slice of bologna. That would be fake bologna; Maddie is a vegetarian. From the outset, we see that Maddie is shallow and insecure (a winning combination) but has one friend that she can’t wait to alienate. This happens when Maddie makes a TikTok about her own vegetarian recipe that goes viral. Overnight, Maddie goes from dishwasher to content creator.
Don’t forget the little guys on the way up, Maddie.
Oh, but this film isn’t about becoming a success story so much as the immediate consequences of success. Seeing herself of camera, Maddie becomes increasingly insecure, which exacerbates her dormant bulimia. She is able to hide this from her husband by claiming she is pregnant. I should note here that as nobody in the film gawks with a “WTF?” face at the idea of Maddie being pregnant is the clue that John Early really is playing this character as a straight-up female.
And, sorry, but this is the worst female character I’ve seen all year. On top of that, the acting in this film is terrible. God, this is a shallow piece of work. Here’s a thought, John Early … did you ever consider playing a man with bulimia? I think that makes a stronger statement, don’t you? I presume that you played Maddie as a woman because it’s easier to believe a woman has bulimia. {Which, btw, is the only genuine issue in this film, and it’s explored with a great deal of clumsiness} While I might find it easier to believe a woman has bulimia, I didn’t believe you were a woman, which kinda undermines the whole thing, no?
I have no problem with a man in drag. I have no problem with a man playing a woman. The problem I have is 
Maddie. Her manner is superficial; her values are shallow. And if you’re gonna play an adult with all the depth of a middle-schooler, it kinda makes the drag thing worse, no? I mean the point of drag queens are men who not afraid to be the best women they can be. You, “sir,” are the worst woman I’ve seen on film all year. The fact that you aren’t even a woman … don’t get me started.
Oh, super, Maddie’s mom is a dick. I hoping we’d get some more bad characters up in this bitch.
Maddie’s Secret feels like the kind of film that gets made when a mediocre talent gets family money to invest in their dreams. The result was an unpleasant mess. I hope I never have to sit through another John Early thing for the rest of my life.
There once was an influencer named Maddie
Whose shallow made me not-so-gladdy
The story of this “girl”
Is a disease of frequent hurl
And the personality of a hanging chad-die
Not Rated, 100 Minutes
Director: John Early
Writer: John Early
Genre: The unintended besmirchment of an entire gender
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Drag queens, maybe … do you feel seen? Hard to say
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me
