Do we still “phone it in” these days? Have new methods of half-assed communication made this accusation obsolete? Is there a modern equivalent: “Text it in?” “DM it in?” “Troll it in?” Oh, hey. Maybe we can revise something – perhaps this Noel season, we can say, “troll the ancient yuletide carol” to signify the repeat a tired holiday movie formula. Christmas knows, there will be plenty.
As we are not yet out of summer, however, maybe we can concentrate on this tired retread. Practical Magic 2, a film that would scream, “WE PHONED IT IN!” except I don’t think these guys had the energy to scream; I think even the mere announcement was phoned in. You guys waited 27 years to make this film. Really?
Practical Magic 2 stars four icons of 20th century feminism: Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman, Dianne Wiest, and Stockard Channing. Hence, we can’t really be surprised that the film delivered a message of 20th century feminism: women are strong, kinda. Everything here has a caveat and actions are only taken because of men. Every plotpoint in this entire film centers around the actions of two men. You’ll note that neither man is terribly important to the film, and yet both control what all the women do. That might have worked as a feminist message in 1990.
We are in 2026.
It is a generation past whatever happened in Practical Magic. Sally Owens (Bullock) now has two adult daughters of her own: Kylie and Antonia (Joey King and Maisie Williams). To “protect” her children, Sally has hidden their witchy roots, a move heavily criticized by her sister, Gillian (Kidman). [Every female in the Owens family is a badass witch.] Unfortunately, witch-ever route Sally goes, the family curse follows her. Hence, when Kylie says, “I love you” to a young suitor, he suddenly finds himself on death’s door, as per family legacy. (Huh, what if your daughters are lesbians? Are their female suitors doomed as well? Questions for another film, I guess.)
The curse is real.
You’re a witch.
Sorry, kids.
Yadda yadda yadda
I was especially put off by Sally at the start of this film. She looked incredibly weak when meeting Kylie’s beau. Seriously, you’re a single mother and you get tongue-tied meeting your daughter’s boyfriend? This is pathetic. Ah, but that moment pales next to how weak Sally looks when apologizing to her child over “the curse.” If you feel this awful about the way you chose to parent, it was obviously a terrible choice. In either case, we’re seeing a badass, powerful woman kowtow to a twentysomething in consecutive scenes.
What exactly are you trying to say, movie?
Attempting to break the curse and bring her boyfriend back to the land of the living, Kylie steals a magic spellbook and goes to England because of a vision. Beware, Owens women, there are bad people who want to steal your power. I literally cannot eyeroll aggressively enough upon writing those words. And again, in England, we will find the actions of powerful women dominated by lesser men.
I especially like the part where it takes three witches, two established and powerful witches at that, to subdue one (1) evil man who has just discovered his warlockitude. But, hey, that sequence of events did start with Sally knocking out her would-be boyfriend Lee Pace, so there’s that, I guess.
Practical Magic 2 is too long at 130 minutes and has godawful little to say despite championing some of the great female acting voices of three generations. After all that mess, I’d say the biggest feminist blow this film strikes is the part where Sandra Bullock is 15 years older than Lee Pace. Don’t get me wrong, that is definitely a statement. I’m just not quite sure it’s the best statement you want to promote with this film. Every time I saw Nicole Kidman on screen, I thought about re-writing her AMC pre-film ad: “We come to this place for magic. We come to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, to care…” HA! Geez, lady, I was just hoping to be entertained for 90 minutes. Your film ran 130 and failed to match my small request.
I am well aware that this film may strike a chord with … not me. This reminds me a great deal of the time I panned Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. Before attacking me, I will ask you, gently, did you like Practical Magic 2 because it was a good film OR because it was a film you think should have been a good film. Then I’ll refer you to my review for Barbie.
There once was a witch named Sally
Who decided for familial morale-y
To hide kids from magic
The results? Semi-tragic
And now it’s time to suit-up and rally
Rated PG-13, 130 Minutes
Director: Susanne Bier
Writer: Alice Hoffman, Akive Goldsman, Georgia Pritchett
Genre: Tired sequels
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: 20th Century feminists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: 21st Century feminists
