You’ll forgive me if I got a little excited for this one. Mattel’s last two films were Barbie and Masters of the Universe, both winners. Barbie, of course, was my choice for best film of 2023. Mattel Studios clearly knows what it’s doing, right? Well … maybe not.
It’s not even that Matchbox the Movie was so awful as much as the producers understood they weren’t making any kind of statement, unless that statement is “Matchbox is toy cars, not groundbreaking entertainment.”
The film starts in Ohio where Sean Walker (Graham Harvey as a teen, John Cena as an adult) is trying his darnedest to woo Aimee. His big coup is to give her a rare Matchbox car. I was skeptical, but he and his pals belong to the “Matchbox Gang,” a group of toy car enthusiasts who often rumble with the Hot Wheels gang for town supremacy. Young Sean doesn’t have the balls to make his play for Aimee, but maybe that will change when he’s middle aged.
Returning to town for a funeral, Sean is reluctant to point out he’s a super-agent for the CIA and recently stole a nuke from one bad guy to give to a lesser bad guy. Unfortunately, the CIA didn’t get the memo, so they drugged and kidnapped the entire gang during a reunion pitcher. Now, one super-agent and five midwestern toy car enthusiasts have to steal a nuclear warhead to balance the world.
Yes, this is as stupid as plots get.
Yes, this is just an excuse to show, perhaps, what Matchbox cars look like full size.
Yes, this is all tongue-in-cheek. The film’s casual attitude towards violence, mass destruction, and the consequences of nuclear war make it clear that nobody believes in the plot; they just wanted to see some stunts while stuff blows up.
Adult Aimee is played by Jessica Biel, who is at least two cup-sizes smaller than she used to be. I do not know what that’s about, but if there was implant removal, fantastic, Ms. Biel. You’re not only setting a good example; I can now tell you from Jessica Alba without problem. All the action is centered around Aimee and Sean finally getting together, which seems unlikely as Sean -professional agent/assassin- doesn’t want any of his childhood friends
involved in dangerous CIA antics …and in the real world, he’d have a point. But this is a movie, so the Matchbox Gang all has to take on both Middle east terrorism and rogue CIA agents. Yeah, ok.
The real problem with this film is NOT that it’s a poor man’s Fast & Furious. It is. And it’s not that the money in the film went entirely into stunts and not into script. That is certainly true as well, but it’s not the biggest issue here, either. The biggest issue is that the lesser players: Sam Richardson, Arturo Castro, and Teyonah Parris are all far more interesting than either of our would-be romance partners. So while the camera is constantly finding John Cena and Jessica Biel, the audience is looking for the also-rans.
Matchbox the Movie is probably just about everything one might expect. It is silly, underwritten, underconsidered, and over-the-top. If you don’t take it seriously, it might entertain you at slumber party.
There once was an agent named Sean
Who failed at romance and was gone
Retuning one day
Now, with friends in the fray
Let’s see if he can elicit more than a yawn
Rated PG-13, 126 Minutes
Director: Sam Hargrave
Writer: David Coggeshall, Matt Westbrook
Genre: Not-so-fast and not-so-furious
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of that one F&F film that really sucked
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People with taste
