It’s hard to show contempt for a film when it shows contempt for itself. From the moment The Housemaid, Millie (Sydney Sweeney), wakes up on the second day of service to find her employer, Nina (Amanda Seyfried), breaking dishes, cursing up a storm, and blaming Millie for something we know she didn’t do; it’s time for Millie to leave.
And I mean, leave, vamoose, scram, giddyap, vacate, Casper, whatever it takes, women. I don’t care that you’ve got a record; neither will your parole officer. You wake up to broken dishes and false accusations by people far more powerful than you? You’re better off in jail.
Lemme backtrack. Millie is a felon; she applies for The Housemaid of a very well-to-do family in the burbs. The job seems too good to be true: The homeless Millie is granted room and board. SA little cooking, a little cleaning, a little babysitting, and *poof* steady paycheck and a life back on track.
Oh, and what a house? It looks straight out of a catalog. In fact, this entire family seems ungodly blessed – mom is Amanda Seyfried; Andrew (Brandon Sklenar) is a techbro who just happened to design and build the house (wait; you have a degree in architecture, but you’re not an architect? How does that work?) Aw, we don’t need it explained when Brandon strips his wife beater and gives the ladies a gun show every evening. Most people who have houses like that in locations like that are wedded to work. Andrew? He doesn’t even seem wedded to Nina.
There’s a little girl running around somewhere, but she’s not an issue. I think.
Nina -while playing the part of the gracious saint- offers the job to Millie, who snaps at the chance, only 
to find Hyde Nina show up in the morning. Millie’s universe is three people other than herself, and the most important one is batshit crazy.
Yeah, it’s time to leave.
Oh, and Andrew being handsome and smart and built and wealthy and kind and everything to everyone … that can’t be real, can it? No. Sadly. It cannot.
The Housemaid is one of those plots that just gets cringier the more the film goes on. Sometimes the cringe is for the scene, but sometimes the cringe is for the plot. This is definitely one of those films that gets solved if just one person acts like a legitimate human being. Can’t have that, or the movie would end sensibly. I cannot say I’m disappointed so much as, “Do we really need plots this far-fetched?” I’m guessing some people do.
There once was a housemaid named Millie
A desperate and untethered filly
The job of her dreams
Became one of screams
And now you’re not leaving? Don’t be silly
Rated R, 131 Minutes
Director: Paul Feig
Writer: Rebecca Sonnenshine, Freida McFadden
Genre: Things that didn’t happen. Also, sexy things that might have happened
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Misunderstood felons?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Nanny abusers
