These girls sure know how to party. I’m just not quite sure they know why.
The only way I can describe Spring Breakers is somebody started to make a beach exploitation video and then -suddenly and without warning- a real film broke out, but nobody told the crew, like if Steven Soderbergh was forced at gunpoint to film a Girls Gone Wild. We begin on a Florida beach. Gratuitous alcohol and bikini shots. And un-bikini shots. Gotcher T, gotcher A – we’re good to go for some exploitation. Cut to college — pretty girls playing blowjob charades during class. Oh … yeah. Bring it on. And then, what the Hell is this?! Character development?! Plot?! Christian prayer circles??!! Dammit. To sum up – four poor-but-hot girls: Faith (Selena Gomez), Candy (Vanessa Hudgens), Brit (Ashley Benson) and Cotty (Rachel Korine – director’s wiiiiiife, director’s wiiiiiife) can’t afford to party so they hold up a diner. Well, the three painted blondes hold it up. I honestly couldn’t distinguish among them throughout the film. The distinguishable party pooper was the non-dye job (Selena), who has completely missed the hive mentality – which is weird because she’s the ultra-Christian among them.
Now I wanted to be critical here – show me three hot college coeds in search of money and flexible about legal issues and, quite frankly, I don’t see a problem. However, the girls wanted to break the laws they wanted to break, not others, so I won’t judge (on this matter at least). With the heist, the hive manages to secure bus fare to the coast (seriously, you couldn’t just hitch a ride?) and party not unlike those guys in the The Inbetweeners. After they get arrested for doing blow in a motel with fifty other kids, the film changes … again (and without ever losing the T&A perspective, btw, amazing!): the girls don’t have money for bail, so they have to sit in jail for a few days, when –lo and behold- they get sprung by … exactly the kind of slimeball who hangs out around courthouses during spring break so that he can post bail for poor-but-hot coeds. Gun-totin’ Alien (James Franco) has a silver grill, a sports car with dollar sign hubcaps and a taste for coeds.
Considering the character “Alien,” I had originally intended to comment, “this guy is what James Franco would be if he actually committed 100% to a 
role.” Then I looked it up … and it is James Franco, not just a better actor who looks kinda like him. I give it up for Franco here; he truly is the epitome of underworld middle-management. Constant bling, nasty weave, only talks in clichés … oh, this is genius, like when Bruce Willis finally played a douchebag in Mortal Thoughts. Franco’s golden slime act actually made me cringe. I don’t want to cringe when I see Franco on screen, but I respect him for going there. How the pack reacts to Alien’s largesse is what makes Spring Breakers (barely) worth seeing.
From a filmmaking perspective, Spring Breakers reminded me a great deal of Open Water. Lest ye think that’s a good thing, I hated Open Water. There are a TON of establishing shots in Spring Breakers, literally hundreds. Whenever the action comes to a screeching halt, the cinematography cuts from one establishing shot to another to another on and on and on. The good part is there is actual dialogue in this film (as opposed to Open Water). The bad part is the repetitive stylistic delivery. When a character says something of note (and let me tell ya, the amount of noteworthy things anybody says while on spring break is very limited), you can count on the editor to repeat it over and over again from different angles, from the same angle, from the perspective of the cat, from the perspective of the roof, from the perspective of the handjob beneath the pool surface. It sounds like more fun than it is. Much like this movie.
Four girls in search of fun
Took matters with a gun
Hey, this isn’t the right trend
Uh oh, a movie happened
Rated R, 94 Minutes
D: Harmony Korine
W: Harmony Korine
Genre: Artsploitation
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The rare individual who wants to see a Girls Gone Wild art film
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Pervs who like their porn straight up
