Wonder Woman

Because somebody had to make a DC film worth seeing

I never liked the name “Wonder Woman.” Batman is a bat. Bats can be scary. Spider-Man is a spider. Spiders can be scary. Superman is super. What’s better than super? Wonder Woman does what? Leave you with wonder? Wow! I wonder who that was … and where did she get such a fetching runway ensemble? And she, what? Brings along some sort of golden embroidery floss for … I dunno? When you want to cross-stitch or decoupage with the bad guys? It takes more than patronizing alliteration to make a superhero.

Look, I’m a guy. Don’t hold it against me, but among the original “Super Friends,” there were, shall we say, weak spots – Robin, for instance. Zan and Jayna were also pretty useless … and Wonder Woman – what good exactly is an invisible jet, anyway? Wonder Woman just didn’t strike me as terribly powerful or valuable.

Mmmmmm … crow. Gonna be tastin’ that awhile.

I am so glad to be wrong … and shown the error of my ways in film form, which in my world is the very best way to be shown the error of your ways. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) is an ass-kicking machine, and the best cinematic superhero (re)introduced in quite some time. And, unless I’m mistaken, she always goes by “Diana.”  I’m not sure the dubs handle even comes up during runtime.  The makers of this film had the good sense to match my thoughts on the name “Wonder Woman.”

There is literally never a rainy day on Paradise Island, where the ageless all-female denizens stage Fight Club 24/7. The untrackable, unseen land was created by the god Zeus after his son Ares turned deicidal maniac on all his sibs. Look, I don’t mean to rain on your waterproof parade, but I’m not sure your fake history jives with the Ancient Greeks’ fake history. I think the kids call this “non-canonical.” No matter. Diana, the one Gal on the rock under the age of 4000, wants to get in on their Rein-doe Games, but mom (Connie Nielsen) says no. Like that’s gonna stop her, rebellion of youth and all – you gotta fight for your right to combat. With fond memories of adventuring with the Dread Pirate Roberts, Aunt Robin Wright trains up Diana until she actually turns into Gal Gadot. Henceforth, there continues to be much harmonious mock ass-kicking on the island of Fight Club.

All is all just ducky until WWI spy pilot Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) suddenly appears to show the Amazon warriors what it’s like to have a last name; apparently, it comes with the consequence that –just like any Star Trek film—any of the people Chris Pine encounters can wipe the floor him. Unfortunately for the ballistic-challenged super women, Steve is trailed by rifle bearing Germans and they mean business for the 90 seconds it takes the inferiorly armed Amazons to mow ‘em down.

What’s that, Ariel? Er, Diana? Why, it’s a whole new world. And it’s just matter of time until a costumed superhero anomaly inserts themselves into a World War against Germans. Huh, where have I seen that before? The difference being that this set-up is better; there are many places in which Captain America can fit in as Steve Rogers. Amazon Princess Diana doesn’t even fit in on Paradise Island; the movie knows this and has fun with it, especially with regards to wardrobe.

On the battlefield, Diana –or CGI Diana—is as convincing as any Batman, Spider-Man or Superman. Just like the cases of Hit Girl and Black Widow, there is, thankfully, neither dumbing down nor compensating for gender here. But unlike Hit Girl and Black Widow, this movie is about Diana and her violent introduction to a world where the sun doesn’t shine much. I didn’t think much of Gal Gadot’s introduction in Batman v. Superman; now, however? I think she’s darn near perfect for this surprisingly important role.

Whatever Wonder Woman may lack as a film – and believe me, there isn’t much—is more than compensated by importance of subject. Americans these days who aren’t white, male and well-to-do have very good reason to believe society doesn’t care about them. A summer blockbuster directed by a woman is a welcome anomaly unto itself – the super woman subject matter is a mind-boggling relief. As is the fact that, quite frankly, the women characters in the film are far worthier of discussion than their male counterparts (how dare you!) … that’s revelation territory. This is the stuff of dreams and empowerment. This is the stuff of equal opportunism and Halloween costume sales. This is an army of seven-year-old girls (and maybe even a boy or two) running around the backyard with cardboard swords and makeshift lassos. That last movie fad for little girls? Let it go. Let it go.

♪Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman
A sobriquet is waiting for you
Tacky name that we’ll address

No, you’re not a Bat
Hey, what’s up with that?
“Diana Prince,” would “Princess Di” be cool?

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman
Thinking you could use a sweater
Dressed for battle or a con

Skimpy costumes sold
‘lloween will sure be cold
Dolled up in a lamé swimsuit♫

Rated PG-13, 141 Minutes
D: Patty Jenkins
W: Allan Heinberg
Genre: Dressed to kill
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Budding young feminists
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Misogynists

♪ Parody inspired by “Wonder Woman Theme”

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One Response to “Wonder Woman” Subscribe

  1. A2 June 20, 2017 at 7:44 am #

    very well written

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