My junior year of college was off campus. Due to circumstance, I was obliged to live there after term and get a summer job or two to make rent. Aw, poor me. Yeah, yeah, I don’t ask for sympathy on that score; most kids had it harder than I did. However, my summer roommate didn’t have a job, and he didn’t have any money. So, he spent the entire summer, essentially, watching the cable I paid for and not leaving the apartment, ever. I should point out that this fellow was not a person I selected; my roomie during the year sublet to the first body who offered beads or trinkets in lieu of genuine rental.
I swear I didn’t used to be an introvert. But when I think of how I got to be one, it was stuff like this where I was forced to spend eight to ten hours a day in the company of someone I didn’t choose.
You’d think, therefore, that I’d have sympathy for The Intruder, a film about a man who sells his house and fails to leave. I don’t. This film sucked. I have no idea what happened to Dennis Quaid, but I no longer have need for him on my screen.
The Russells (Meagan Good and Michael Ealy) are introduced to their dream house by its owner shooting a deer on the property right in front of them. Folks, I really shouldn’t have to tell you this twice: when you do not know the property owner and the property owner pulls out a gun, you leave. Quickly, quietly, efficiently, slowly, loudly, inefficiently, around, through, over obstacles doesn’t matter. You leave. Period. You don’t stay and haggle. I’m surprised I have to tell you this one.
Scott (Ealy) is a big deal in the marketing world, I guess. How else would he be able to afford a $3.5M house? Yes, even in San Francisco, that’s damn expensive. Of course, he’s buying in Napa for his wife, Annie (Good) … lemme tell ya; you pay $3.5M in Napa for a house, it better freaking come with a vineyard, not a forest.
Oh, but if it came with a vineyard, where would Charlie (Quaid) hide to spy on the new owners? And there’s your film – new couple moves in, old owner says he’s moving to Florida, but he doesn’t. In fact, he keeps showing up for stuff and getting territorial – like mowing the lawn and yelling a at maintenance crew. These developments lead to my biggest disappointments with the film:
First, husband and wife don’t present a united front. Personally, I find this beyond ridiculous. Let’s ignore for the time being that Annie, a young black woman seems perfectly comfortable home alone with Charlie, an old white dude. And Charlie comes around at all hours of the day and night –never mind that Charlie was introduced wielding a shotgun with deadly force and there’s credible evidence that he isn’t all there – forget all that. The idea that a young couple would not be on the same page when it comes to “who is allowed to visit our new $3.5M house and when” is slightly far fetched.
Such anomalies pale in comparison to disappointment #2: The Russells get my vote for “least observant couple ever.” I swear, these guys notice absolutely nothing; they don’t read signs; they don’t pick up on hints; Michael must be in subliminal advertising, because anything liminal goes right over his head. This is the crux of my disappointment with the screenplay. Look, I can live with Thanksgiving in what appears to be May –you want to advertise that California always has spectacular weather, be my guest, and I can live with this weak background of Scott’s infidelity creating a situation in which he has to go overboard to please his spouse, but seriously folks, how many months do you actually have to live in a place before you visit more than three rooms in the house?
The Intruder wasn’t a good film even if the above points had been solid. It strikes me as yet another in a long line of “can’t trust anybody” films where a couple is terrorized by a neighbor, a roomie, a mistress, a friend, a frenemy, a neighbor, a dog, the environment, the paperboy, grandma, whatever. I suppose there might be solidarity with homeowners here, but how many of you sympathize with the couple who buys their starter house for the equivalent of a decent NBA salary? Good luck relating, homes.
♪Our house proves three’s a crowd
Dennis Quaid is always there
Supporting a black cloud
Denny’s shooting in the wood
Dunno why that guy is here
But I know it can’t be good
Our house
Deep into wine country
Our house
What does that guy want of me?
Our house
Run for it, we have to flee
Our house
I’m not good at confront-ee♫
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
Director: Deon Taylor
Writer: David Loughery
Genre: More tales from the paranoid
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Rich homeowners in need of sympathy
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who cannot actually imagine spending $3.5M on a house
♪ Parody Inspired by “Our House”
