You can’t really commit suicide jumping from the second story. Well, I suppose you can if you’re really feeble, or a baby, or if the first floor is the size of an arena, but a healthy grown man from the awning of a standard Mexican apartment building? Yeah, good luck with that. If I’m not mistaken, that was part of the “comedy.” Cuz, y’know, what’s funnier than lovesickness turning into a cut-rate suicide?
Presenting itself as Hitch v. Hitch, Tod@s Caen (“Everybody Falls”) explores what happens when a gamer meets a gamer in the arena of romance. Mia (Martha Higareda) and Adán (Omar Chaparro) are both such scarred veterans of romance that each has developed a cynical formula for achieving romantic conquest … most of it involves being a dick. Now, you might remember Omar Chaparro and Martha Higareda from soiling the silver screen earlier this year with Bottom 10 candidate No Manches Frida 2. Apparently these two are the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan of Mexican romcom.
Of course, these guys could be Bogey and Bacall and this film still wouldn’t work. The premise is comic, yet not terribly funny, and if you think about it, not terribly realistic. Tod@s Caen presents characters who have turned into controlling winner-take-all romance conquistadores in the wake of being burned once too often. The thought is comforting, is it not? That one can learn to manipulate the way they’ve been abused, but how realistic is it that romantic dominance has entirely to do with gaming the situation rather than acknowledging an imbalance in romantic intention? Have you ever heard of anybody non-fictional who went from dud to stud by simply gaming the system?
Never mind that, the best relationship in this film is not between Mia and Adán, but instead the protégés they Cyrano: Margo (Claudia Ávarez) and Toby (Mauricio Barrientos). The latter pair finds romance a great success even though they ignore every prompt given to them by their alphas (i.e. “say you’re busy”, “don’t call now”, “try not to make an ass of yourself” … and other worthless pieces of advice). The theme is simple – those who vie for control of their prospective partners deserve to fail at love. All of this centers about Mia’s career. She produces a cheesy bored-housewife bit of reality TV dreck where the cheating husband always ends up serenading his spouse on camera. She wants to lose that and host a different piece of bored housewife reality TV dreck where she teaches [women] how to abuse men in a relationship.
Tos@s Caen begins with the look ahead – depressed and “suicidal” Adán sitting on the rail of his balcony ready to jump. Careful, hombre, at that height, you might stub a toe. Oh, lookie here, the stuntman got to fall into some conveniently placed garbage bags. What should I be feeling here? I suppose this film will appeal to those desperate for a happy ending even if neither the script nor the players merit such, and maybe you’ll be amused rather than puzzled as to why Omar Chaparro is parading through a crowded party without his clothes. Believe me, Omar, you won’t go unnoticed, but this film will. If you want Mexican-inspired romance with an ounce of depth or insight, you’re better off with a Guillermo del Toro sea creature.
There once was a Mexican Hitch
Who learned to make romance his bitch
When long comes a lady
An atypical Sadie
Who will win? I don’t give a stitch
Rated PG-13, 120 Minutes
Director: Ariel Winograd
Writer: Cory Brusseau, Martha Higareda
Genre: Gaming the dating scene
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Desperate suckers for romance
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People with something better to do, which is most anything
One last note: I have been internally debating mentioning this because I didn’t want you to think it’s the reason I disliked the film … believe this thing sucked on its own merits. But even if Tod@s Caen were all that, even if everybody fell for Everybody Falls, it would still be worthy of thumbs down on title alone. There is zero reason for “@” to replace the “a” in Todas. The film is set in 2019, yet it’s no more about modern typing convention than You’ve Got Mail. And every time I try to recall my spreadsheet of reviews, Excel treats it as an email address and tries to hyperlink it. That’s stupid. Gimmick seeking executives, think harder.
