Popes are kinda like vampire slayers – there’s supposed to be only one. The last time we had two living popes was the 13th century. What makes this particular half-baked communion wafer all the more tasty is that the two living popes are philosophical opposites: Pope Benedict XVI (Anthony Hopkins) is a hard-line German ostrich while Pope Francis (Jonathan Pryce) is a progressive Argentinian soccer hooligan. The latter is my favorite pope ever by a wide margin, but that’s another story.
In 2005, Pope John Paul II died, leaving George and Ringo to run things. With a papacy vacancy (I just like saying that, don’t you?), the College of Cardinals had to abandon their homecoming game against Notre Dame and get to the serious work of electing a new pope. Of course, it all sounds like official work until you come away with the election of Cardinal Ratzinger, who already looked like a Star Wars villain even before the monochrome uni. Seriously, Cardinals, in the wake of Catholic priest abuse revelations, you’re going to promote the kind of guy who thinks mass should return to Latin?
Cardinal Ratzinger is seen lobbying for the job, stating how cool he’d look in the Popemobile; the camera even catches him half-sneering at rival Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, that South American punk who has actually touched commoners. I honestly thought popes could be above pettiness and turf wars, but I’m thinkin’ nobody is … which is a relief of sorts.
Seven years later, Cardinal Bergoglio wants to hang up the old mitre and call it a career. He even books a trip to Rome to have a rap session with the pontiff, but get this: Ol’ rival Pope Benedict XVI coincidentally wants CB in Rome as well to talk shop – JC and the boys won’t just discuss themselves.
The best scenes in the film are the philosophical confrontations between Pope Benedict and Cardinal Bergoglio. On the sly, Cardinal Bergoglio has questioned certain hard-line Catholic stances and the Pope don’t go for that shit. Benedict isn’t just German, he’s a little more Trump-like than any authority figure ought to be. And by Trump-like, I mean having a severe intolerance for disloyalty, and using such as the measuring stick for success rather than, quite literally, anything else (which would be superior).
The deal, of course, is that Bergoglio wants to resign, but so does Benedict. And it makes Benedict look bad if his toughest critic resigns, especially if Bergoglio is next in line for the papacy, dig? Eventually, as history tells us, we will get The Two Popes. When you think about it, this is a buddy picture, an unlikely buddy picture, and they really should be travelling somewhere; that’s how buddy pictures work.
The Two Popes has several moments of genuine, if not straight comedy, distinctive mirth. The film opens with Pope Francis trying to book plane tickets by himself only to get a “ha, ha, very funny, asshole” type of response on the other end. Bergoglio also is a keen fan of soccer and can be seen cheering in local pubs, which I think is an absolutely adorable trait in a Cardinal, as is his predilection to sing ABBA aloud. As I did enjoy the philosophical interplay and the cat-and-mouse game where Bergoglio wants to argue with the pontiff while not overstepping his authority, you might ask why I didn’t rate this film higher. I certainly could have.
The Two Popes definitely has elements of great filmmaking. And the friendship arising from contrasting theologies reminded me of the relationship between Antonin Scalia and Notorious RBG. However, the movie dragged a fair amount and gets bogged down when we indulge in Bergoglio’s history. The film does a nice job in relating why Bergoglio doesn’t feel qualified to be pope, but when it goes into the tales of the life and loves of Baby Pope Francis, the tone changes dramatically and the film suffers. When the film drags us back to the present, the would-be buddies exchange confessions, which struck me as two powerful guys pardoning themselves like some sort of papal “you do me and I’ll do you.” I don’t deny this film will prove both enlightening and fascinating to Catholic fanboys, but as a film by itself, I saw room for improvement.
Two rivals for the Catholic cartel
Find they get along ever so swell
Such friendship in bloom
Hey popes, get a room
Pretty sure I’m a-goin’ to Hell
Rated PG-13, 125 Minutes
Director: Fernando Meirelles
Writer: Anthony McCarten
Genre: Theology. Hey, that’s like a real genre!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Catholics, former Catholics
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Other
