Having not read the books, I can report with a patience and objectivity elusive to the fans of Eion Colfer that Artemis Fowl is a disappointment even when you enter without expectations. Do you know how disappointed you have to be to have no expectations and be disappointed anyway? Of course you do; you live in the year 2020.
Let’s start with the obvious: Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw) is an obnoxious little creep who hangs out in his father’s mansion all day pretending he’s as cool as the hype. The exposition tells us the smarmy 12-year-old punk is a super genius, but I find a paucity of evidence outside the narration…and, let’s face it, even the narration is suspect. We’re told the nine-year-old version of said kid beat a chess grandmaster in five moves. That isn’t how chess works. It’s like saying you won the grand slam of poker in two hands. I mean, sure, I suppose it’s possible – but at that rate, your opponent is actively throwing the match.
Now I can only guess why the main character and his father are named after the goddess of the hunt and a domesticated bird of extremely
low IQ. That’s between Eion Colfer and his own personal goddess. That information I merely introduce and dismiss. Here’s what I know: the arc of this film is completely wrong. It begins with reporters picking up a fowl stench at Fowl mansion. These same reporters are suspiciously MIA when the entirety of Acts II & III center around a fairy battle on mansion grounds. The reporters are there for the mysterious art thief Artemis Fowl Sr. (Colin Farrell), who is currently being held prisoner by a pixie dominatrix.
Sniffing around Fowl Manor in a foul manner is giant dwarf –yes, he’s literally a giant dwarf- Mitch Diggums (Josh Gad, whose soul is currently owned by Disney+. Pray, Josh, pray they don’t sell it to Lifetime). You’re not going to believe this, but Mitch can dislodge his jaw like a snake and rapidly tunnel underground by chewing up dirt and flinging it from his ass like a tree mulcher (hence the name). This story is told entirely from Diggums POV, which makes no sense, cuz 1) he wasn’t there for most of it and 2) There was no strategic value to his being “accidentally caught” in the first place. The enhancement of Mitch to the role of narrator/major player is a useless plot device.
Like it or not, we’re subjected to growly Mitch as he introduces us to Middle Earth, with fairies, and elves, dwarfs, and the local F Train to downtown
Haven City, where the magic happens. Again, literally. Turns out all the magic beings in a film full of ‘em are after a MacGuffin entitled the “Aculos,” which is not that evil mirror thingy, but instead it is described as – I swear to you – “a very mysterious and powerful device and its mystery is exceeded only by its power.” And if you got that reference, you belong in FrogWorld, my friend. Don’t deny it.
Somewhere in all of this, li’l Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw) starts getting the idea that magic is real. And why wouldn’t he? The film takes place in “the most magical place on Earth, Ireland” … where the locals indulge in “magic boiled cabbage” and “magic debauchery.” OK, I made those last two up, but –seriously- Ireland is the most magical place on Earth; that’s what we’re gonna go with, huh? Through research -and some extremely poor elfing- Artemis is able to get a jump on advanced elf scout Holly (Lara McDonnell). This will be important when Artemis starts getting his groove on, elf-style.
Oh, the head elf? Commander Julius Root. That’s Judy Dench in a suit almost as embarrassing as her Cats look. Gets better. For reasons completely unknown to me, both Judy and Josh have bucked the magical world stereotype and offered to go with a contrived bass growl speaking voice. You’re an 800-year-old elf; you live in a fantasy world; you’re dressed like the Green Giant has booked the “Vegetable Medley Room” at the local love palace, but you’ve chosen to go with your James Earl Jones impression for this role? Sure, why not?
I think one of the biggest problems with this film is not only that it devolves into magical warfare; it’s magical warfare in which we’re “rooting” for both sides. The bad guys are simply not present during the major film conflict. I can’t really tell you anything I liked about this film, except that I’m glad that I haven’t read the books yet. You want to see a disappointed set of people? I’m not even close.
Welcome back to elves and dwarfs and such
Invoking magic like a frail plot point crutch
Enter kid Artemis Fowl
He won’t throw in the towel
God, I never thought I’d miss hobbits so much
Rated PG, 95 Minutes
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Writer: Conor McPherson & Hamish McColl
Genre: Making sure adaptations never happen again
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ferdia Shaw’s mother
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of the books
