Gee, if only more attention were paid to Tom Brady. You know, I loathe the Patriots and Tom Brady (before you get a incensed, I grew up in Oakland. Once “Tuck Rule” happened, Brady was on the shit list forever – you would feel exactly the same way and don’t pretend you wouldn’t) and yet he will still appear in my blog a few times every year. What’s up with that?
The idea of this film makes my head and heart hurt: 80 for Brady is about four ancient Tom Brady fangirls who go to Super Bowl LI on a whim. Do we really need to re-live the biggest choke job in Super Bowl history? Are we so desperate for Tom Brady adulation that we have to create some in a year his team was at least three steps removed from the eventual champion? I suppose it beats any tribute to Sean Payton.
Then there’s the other end of it where four talented and accomplished owners of screen and stage all get to play fangirl and we accept this because if you’re female and 80, the best you can hope for is “quirky nana.” Screw you, June Squibb, that role is MINE!
The women:
Academy Award nominee Lily Tomlin, 83
Academy Award winner Jane Fonda, 85
Academy Award winner Rita Moreno, 91
Academy Award winner Sally Field, 76
Oh, I cannot wait for the remake in 2073 starring Jennifer Lawrence, Brie Larson, Michelle Williams, and Saoirse Ronan. (This is where we learn heretofore unknown facts like Tom Brady was quadrisexual and played the game with two broken thumbs and an artificial hip.)
At this point, it would be hard to be less enthusiastic about a film.
That said, 80 for Brady wasn’t terrible. Sure, there was higher fantasy in this film than Lord of the Rings, but if you’re 80 years old and female, what source of information is going to tell you: of course you can win football-throwing contests against young men, out eat circus freaks, and literally dance your way past Super Bowl security? Even QAnon would look at those claims and say, “uhhhh, no. That’s too far-fetched.”
And if I’m being honest, while the roles are all fangirl-based, the film isn’t patronizing. Well, not excessively patronizing, at least. Basically, it’s 2017 and four old New England Patriot fans: Maura (Moreno), Betty (Field), Trish (Fonda), and Lou (Tomlin) decide that despite their ages and fixed incomes, they’re all gonna go to the Super Bowl. It’s a wonderful dream. And, really, really, none of you white women has any money? If all you dream is seeing a Super Bowl, the outlay is break-the-bank for your average teenager, but hardly so for most widows. Still, to this point, the film is relatively believable.
Hmmm, when exactly did this become fantasy? Was it when the gang breaks Maura out of an old folks home? Was it when Trish finds her Rob Gronkowski-themed erotic fiction has an audience? Was it when Betty wins a wings-eating contest? I know, if you didn’t get there yet, check out when the girls storm the team-brain-trust-exclusive team boxes and take over calling plays.
Look, in my estimation, the amount of Patriot trophies won on Brady’s watch is far more than deserved; if you want to detract from that legacy by pretending four old women and not the Patriot team 
analysts were responsible for the Super Bowl LI victory, be my guest. But even Patriots fans have to cringe a little at that, huh? “You mean we wouldn’t have won if not for Lily Tomlin?” Spot-on, Sport.
There are people –each with multiple lines, no less- in this film who should NEVER be in movies: Among others, there were Guy Fieri, Billy Porter, Rob Gronkowski, and Tom Brady. (Yeah, yeah, Porter IS an actor, but if he ain’t on stage, what are you doing?)
So, let me bottom line this: This is a bad idea for a film. It’s patronizing and celebrates things that don’t need to be celebrated (like Tom Brady and the NFL and smug white people); for a film inspired by real life, it makes up a lot of stuff, and I didn’t especially care for the embellishments, nor the film itself. But am I telling you it’s short-listed for the worst of 2023? No. It’s not. While I didn’t care for it, 80 for Brady will speak to old women in ways that few other films will. It will tell them they’re not useless and they’re not too old to follow dreams. These are good messages even if I loathe the way they’re delivered. And if I’m being honest, I laughed myself silly at the Gronk-erotica Gillette Field happy ending: “it truly was the best a man can get.”
Nothing about this film is Shakespearean, but something tells me Shakespeare himself might have enjoyed it anyway.
There once was a man named Brady
Who excelled on the fields of stadi
For all of his rings
More impressive things
He always knew how to attract a lady
Rated PG-13, 98 Minutes
Director: Kyle Marvin
Writer: Emily Halpern, Sarah Haskins
Genre: Fantasy
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The throng of old women into Tom Brady
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who rooted for the Falcons in Super Bowl LI
