Thank goodness for low expectations. Thanks to poor early returns and a recent re-screening of Captain Marvel in which I fell asleep, I wasn’t banking on the latest Marvel Universe endeavor to do anything for me. The fact that I owned several smiles during the showing makes me believe the low expectation strategy worked like a charm. Way to go, movie. Oh, The Marvels wasn’t great by any stretch, but if you’re expecting a disaster and get two stars, it feels like a reward.
Ok, first, you should know who The Marvels are because this film gets deliberately confusing early on.
Carol Danvers (Brie Larson) is Captain Marvel, veteran Avenger, highly powerful superhero, and somebody who may or may not be an alien.
Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) is TBD Marvel, her name being equally as elusive as where she got her superpowers, which is a complete mystery to me. She may or may not be a friend of Carol Danvers.
Kamala Khan (Iman Vanelli) is “Ms. Marvel“, a teenage fangirl with a magic bangle. She may or may not be a complete screw up.
Speaking of magic bangles, Dar-Benn (Zawe Ashton) finds one hiding inside a moon rock, setting off a whole chain of questionable events, starting with where she got the bangle – are you sure it wasn’t at the bottom of a box of Cap’n Marv’l Crunch?- The bangle is the missing twin to the one wielded by Ms. Marvel, who is somehow connected to the adult Marvels. And when Dar-Benn starts accessorizing her new jewelry, the trio of Marvels all start switching places spontaneously and against their wills.
I think this is supposed to come off as chaotic fun, but it mostly comes off as just chaotic, especially when Dar-Benn starts attacking on behalf of the Skrulls or Kree or whomever turned out to be the bad guys in Captain Marvel. Point is, she’s itching to put a hurt on Captain Marvel and the race of people who aren’t hers, but she didn’t bank on three (3) Marvels showing up, albeit tag-teaming erratically and somewhat arbitrarily.
I’m sure others will find many other nits to pick, but for me the disappointment in this superhero movie is easily summed up: I have absolutely no idea how powerful or vulnerable either our heroines or their enemies are. None. In one moment, Captain Marvel is barely holding her own against a minion; in another, Captain Marvel is healing a dying star.
Captain Marvels’ enemies call her The Annihilator … Geez, woman, stop messin’ about; let’s 
get to the annihilatin’.
In the same breath, it’s impossible to take any of this seriously, because none of the Marvelettes ever really gets hurt. This is the same problem I have with anime; when you blast somebody with a force that knocks you clear across a building and into a stone wall, I kind of expect you’ll be out for a round or two. What was that? “No?” “You’re good?” Well, what’s the point of any of this, then? And I must add that playing defense is different than playing offense; those who can throw a big punch can’t always take one.
Here’s my guess: the producers knew they had a dog. Canine Marvel just wasn’t a winner. This is obvious from the fact that it’s hard to find the heroism in Captain Marvel or the villainy in Dar-Benn. Hence, the people involved played up minor, silly, and more trivial moments, like Ms. Marvels fangirl-ism, a planet where the language is music, and a race of alien housecats called Fierkens who swallow people whole. I have been wanting Marvel to tone down their act for a while now, so this is good news in a sense. If I’m being honest, however, while Iman Vanelli’s raw energy is delightful and infectious, it’s just not enough to carry a mediocre plot. While I want to see more of Ms. Vanelli, I’m not sure I need to see more Marvels.
Three women have skills that make us jealous
And while their supporters are most zealous
The action is spat
By tentacular cat
Conclusuon? The Marvels ain’t marvelous
Rated PG-13, 105 Minutes
Director: Nia DaCosta
Writer: Nia DaCosta, Megan McDonnell, Elissa Karasik
Genre: Are you sure this material merited blockbuster promotional status?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Iman Vellani’s real parents
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Had enough of superhero films? This won’t help
