Well donk my kong, this thing sucked, too. And the trailers were kinda fun, awww. Proving once again it takes more than bright colors, animation, sound, fury, and smiles to entertain an audience, The Super Mario Galaxy Movie bored hordes of children this week in the most 21st century way possible: by almost never sitting still. “Action without traction” seems to be the play here, for while the film never quite rested, it also never got to a point where an audience cared about whatever was going on.
There seems to be a sad dichotomy among unsuccessful animated features. In the one camp, there are films that don’t quite know how to use animation. They do not realize the genre itself exists to create all possibilities; failure in these cases to find the absurd or the hyperbolic is criminal. And on the other hand, there are films like The Super Mario Galaxy Movie in which the hyperbolic is the main story line, and yet the film fails because the audience is never drawn in.
This film feels like 98 minutes of watching a video game … a video game not being played by anyone you know, but just one stuck on demo mode. I am told that if I were familiar with The Super Mario Galaxy video game, this film would have cracked open Easter Egg after Easter Egg of screen delight. Yeah? Well, it still wouldn’t have made me care. Did they just sorta up-and-forget to give Mario (voice of Chris Pratt) a personality?
Hmmm, so what happened here? Well, Bowser Jr. (Benny Safdie) showed up, daddy issues in tow. He immediately attacked and kidnapped Princess Rosalina (Brie Larson), because this film needed a catalytic agent of some sort. (Awwww, a child’s first Princess-napping! Credit the film for that commentary.) At this point, the rest of the Mario World, sans the family Kong, got involved. And we, the audience, are forced to acknowledge that Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad, Bowser, Fox McCloud, Princess Peach, Wart, Honey Queen, Kamek, Koopas, Lumas, and ‘Shroomas all join the party because not doing so would apparently cause internal pain for these guys.
I’m a little short on motivation here. True, I fell asleep, but film, it would be wise to explore the “Why?”s.
Suffice to say, I couldn’t really tell what was going on. I could certainly describe it, but I couldn’t guess why it mattered. I guess this was one big rescue operation, but if you ask me, Princess Rosalina can take care of herself; I seriously doubt you can keep her kidnapped for
long, unlike that wussie Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) – I’m pretty sure she has a thing for the monsters, knowwhatI’msayin’? A little Donkey Fever, maybe? Never mind.
Speaking of monsters, the shrunken Bowser (Jack Black) was the only character who seemed to have a distinct POV. He’s a proud papa and just wants to get Big again, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Can’t say I loved this character, either, but at least I could get behind him. I’d be ill-tempered, too, if my film made audiences long for Minecraft.
I can’t say they didn’t try. The makers of The Super Mario Brothers Movie put together a carnival of action-packed sights and sounds … and if that were enough for me, I’d be in critic heaven. Sadly, however, this entire film describes the Shakespearean quote “sound and fury, signifying nothing” … and now I wish I were watching Macbeth.
Once a demon turtle named Bowser
Steamed until ire came out his trouser
For the Princess, I recall
Made the giant lizard small
Vengeance was this entire villain’s vows-er
Rated PG, 98 Minutes
Director: Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic, Pierre Leduc
Writer: Matthew Fogel
Genre: *yawn*
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Mario and/or Luigi
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Good God, this is boring”
