In the 1st Wave, they cut all the power, and we were forced to play outside. In the 2nd Wave, they brought back the plague, and we were forced to play inside again. In the 3rd Wave, they, uhhhh, sold us aluminum siding. In the 4th wave, they ruined everybody’s credit through an elaborate phishing scheme. Now, the worst of all … The 5th Wave, in which we relive each and every iteration of our dystopian future with a different teen starlet.
It is Chloë Grace Moretz’ turn to host the post-apocalypse. I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be Elle Fanning, but her dystopia needed dry cleaning. Before Chloë represents all humanity in the afterplague, I would like her to explain the umlaut over the “e” in her name. You were born in Atlanta, Chloe. Atlanta.
Oh, stop, she’s old enough to take a joke now. We’ve had plenty of fun at the expense of Jennifer Lawrence and Shailene Woodley as they host the final rewards show. Now it’s your turn; you want a run like them? Get used to it.
The 5th Wave is a cut below the Divergent series, which means this is likely the only blow we will have to endure. While I’m not exactly weeping, there are worse dystopian tales. This one begins in a high school. Cassie (CGM) is just trying to get through her teen years. Uh oh. I think she likes Ben Parish (Nick Robinson). Giggle. Snort. Titter.
That’s when the aliens come.
Oh, those jerks! I was just about to, maybe, sorta, pass a deliberately confusing pronoun-infused unspecified “like” note through four different friends – they’ve ruined my chance at happiness forever!
And then aliens just hover there, Independence Day style, above Everytown, Ohio for a while. Next comes my favorite part – we do nothing. This country, so full of paranoia, with real candidates for president running on xenophobic platforms – we all do nothing. You KNOW that if this happens in real life, in the very least every NRA member with a functional pickup will motor full-speed to bullseye mecca … each shotgun-carrying redneck practically wetting himself in exhilaration over the thought of making, in his/her opinion, the country safer. Then, members of the Republican-dominated congress would take turns with a podium and a thesaurus calling out Obama for whimpery and enemy-coddling, or synonyms thereof. It would be like taking numbers at a deli.
And then aliens start doing things that kill people, and we still do nothing! Who wrote this film? Who wrote this book? Not even a passing
mention, “well, we tried to do something; it didn’t work.” No, apparently, we didn’t do jack until wave four, when the aliens deliberately molested all the family pets or whatever just to see if we’d do something.
I digress. In the movie I saw, Cassie’s remaining people get huddled into an army-protected wilderness camp. That’s when Colonel Liev Schreiber shows up. Listen to me very carefully: It is never a good thing when Liev Schreiber shows up. He’s not a bad actor or anything, just, when you see that face on your screen, you can guarantee to be wearing a frown within 15 minutes. It’s like the groundhog seeing his shadow. “Oh no! Liev Schreiber! Well, winter is still here, folks. Dress warm.”
At this point, The 5th Wave devolves into a little bit of Hunger Games and a little bit of Ender’s Game. And while I’m on gaming, I should point out that the plot twist coming was equally as visible as the giant spaceship hovering above Ohio. But along the way, we did get to introduce another hunk, Alex Roe – God, I love it when the apocalypse only takes the ugly people, don’t you? And, seriously, we kinda needed this – JLaw gets a love triangle, KStew gets a love triangle, it is only fair that before this thing is through at least two poster boys are love with Chloë.
They probably dig the umlaut.
The aliens have indulged the illegal
In killing earthlings, they have no equal
But Cassie has pluck
And with any luck
We’re all dead, so there isn’t a sequel
Rated PG-13, 112 Minutes
D: J Blakeson (Seriously? Not even a period?)
W: Susannah Grant, Akiva Goldsman & Jeff Pinkner
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Antipathetic aliens
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “I don’t want to live in an all-teen future.”
