I don’t talk a lot about Joe Bob Briggs which is a shame because Joe Bob (aka John Bloom) is probably the single greatest reason you’re reading this sentence. Masked by the alter ego of unapologetic redneck Joe Bob Briggs, Bloom -for many years- wrote a syndicated column dedicated roughly to drive-in movie reviews. I say “roughly” because Joe Bob began every “review” a healthy eight to ten paragraphs describing the past week in his personal life and the colorful barnyard of locals he associated with. When the review finally began, Joe Bob attacked a film like nobody I’d ever read, pointing out things like things pointing out of people. You see, Joe Bob only frequented the drive-in class of movie: films which often compensated for lack of budget and production value with excess gore and sex. His tell-tale review hallmarks included awful segues, down-home language, and details on pints of blood, number of bare breasts shown, and fighting skills displayed – which Joe Bob often highlighted by taking a noun and adding “fu” to the end of it. Like if he saw, perhaps, a man beat the tar out of another man with a frozen chicken, Joe Bob might call that “poultry fu.” As a teenager, I anticipated Joe Bob’s weekly column with the enthusiasm a small child saves up for Christmas.
The three things I learned about writing from Joe Bob were as follows: 1) If the writing is good, staying on topic isn’t important. 2) Just because there’s a formula, doesn’t mean your writing has to be formulaic (probably the biggest reason I dropped out of law school, but that’s another story) 3) MOST IMPORTANTLY, the writer wins when and only when the reader wishes a shared experience. Joe Bob ended every review with a rating and the phrase “Joe Bob says check it out.” And no matter how he rated that film, I always wanted to check it out. When I write a review, that’s exactly how I feel – I don’t actually care how you feel about the film half as much as I wonder if you wished you had a similar experience. If my review ever made you want to see the film only for the sake of wanting to agree or disagree with my words, then I call that a success.
Speaking of Joe Bob Briggs, today’s film The Blood of Wolves wasted no time in getting over-the-top. Thirty-seconds in and there was already pig shit eating and finger severing. They got to the good stuff faster than it takes Taylor Lautner to lose his shirt in any Twilight film. And then – this is the good part – the yakuza dudes decide the poor forced-shit-eating, nine-fingered dope needs to die anyway. Oops, my bad. We probably should have done that without the torture. Meh, whatchagonnado? We’re the bad guys.
Rumor has it that Detective Shogo Ogami (Koji Yakusho) has ties to the yakuza. He’s been around forever and he has a spotty history, so why wouldn’t he? Naturally, they stick him with a boy scout, Detective Shuichi Hioka (Tori Matsuzaka), just out of Detective School where he majored in Informing. Shogo immediately shows contempt for the noob; what we don’t know is exactly how much Shogo is on his own in the cliquey yakuza-infused office politics.
I don’t know if there’s a formula here exactly, but any fan of Dirty Harry has seen a similar act – the veteran cop can’t trust anybody and knows his career has plateaued, so does his job as if there aren’t rules. And the kid is torn between knowing his would-be mentor is right while doing the wrong things. Ah, but did Dirty Harry ever keep a diary? With cut-out pics and helpful thoughts? Tell me, Detective Decoupage, do you follow One Direction in your spare time?
The Blood of Wolves is only a mediocre police procedural, but it didn’t hold back much, and it treated me as if I enjoyed moviedom and the things movies show me. There were some nice touches, like the scene where the veteran hazes the rookie by making him pick a fight with a much larger opponent. Can’t say this one is gonna resonate beyond the OMG highlights, yet it’s definitely watchable.
Boar fu, scrapbooking fu, digit severing, crap eating, eight pints blood, no breasts. Two-and-a-half stars. Steel Frog says check it out.
The yakuza offer in great phalanx
Tortures from fingernails to shark tanks
That stuff I don’t dig
Next time I eat pig
I’ll stick only to the bacon, thanks
Rated R, 126 Minutes
Director: Kazuya Shiraishi
Writer: Kazuya Shiraish
Genre: Dirty Harry-san
Person most likely to enjoy this film: Joe Bob Briggs
Person least likely to enjoy the film: Sensitive viewers
