This was an odd year for film – despite the derisive atmosphere that has plagued the nation, neither a clear best nor a clear worst picture emerged from the wreckage. Movies are almost always a delayed reaction; they take so long to make it’s impossible to guarantee the issue at hand will reflect the art you made last year. And yet, still we see films that are 100% relevant, which -in retrospect- feels either spooky or nauseating. I.e. “geez, how long have we had this problem? This prelude is all an admission that I don’t actually have a burning-hot passionate love or hate for any 2017 film, but that isn’t to say none deserved my praise or bile. Today, the bile.
Dishonorable mentions:
Bright
Don’t think you can escape my attention, Netflix. You want credit for the good? You’re gonna take heat for the bad, too. Next time you cast the French Prince with orcs and elves, at least surround Will Smith with some hobbits, too.
A detective thriller so convoluted you might have to rethink that whole “Welcoming people from Norway” thing.
Bad TV shouldn’t even be shown on TV, much less an IMAX screen.
Instead of this South Korean mess, why not take a look at its namesake: a 1983 TV movie examining the fallout after nuclear holocaust. I guarantee the latter is a more uplifting experience.
Animated? Musical? How bad could it be? There are just some questions you don’t want answered.
Because when it comes right down to it, the hero of the Nativity story is an ass, right? What was I saying about animated and musical?
We’ve tolerated a lot of Tom Cruise over the years. His ego, his religion, his batshit crazy have all been turnoffs. I’ve always held that as long as the films are entertaining, I don’t honestly care where his head is at. When the films are not entertaining, however …
Puzzled as to why this franchise was resurrected.
Yes, I hated this film, but I curse Twilight; for that prolonged foolishness forever opened the door for pathetic supernatural teen love triangles.
Do you remember the Martin Scorsese film The King of Comedy? Imagine that film souring in a cesspool for a few decades, then emerging, putting on a bow tie, and resurfacing. And there you have The Comedian.
Congratulations. You’ve turned an anthem into a montage. A bad montage.
An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power
Just because you’re right doesn’t mean your picture has merit.
The Bottom 10
10. Phantom Thread
An epic, tis not
This thread’s success: making my
Patience unravel
9. Maudie
If you get to choose
Between Ethan’s rugged “love”
Opt for the frog man
Modern query realm:
To stave off the Grim Reaper
Can you “unfriend” death?
New bondage chapter
Which is the greater torture:
Whipping or watching?
6. Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Not understanding
I already gave two “boo”s
What more do you want?
Morgan Freeman showed
More dignity while shooting
That Mountain Dew ad
4. Title says “forgot”
Wise to overcompensate
What was I saying?
3. Manifesto
Cate Blanchett presents
Thirteen characters I want
To punch in the face
2. Transformers: The Last Knight
Aptly named sequel
Took the entirety of
Last Knight “watching” it
1. Geostorm
Global Warming truth
Sadly now distorted toy
Of Hollywood’s worst
